Recently, a friend of mine reminded me how vividly she remembers the day my family and I were in the wreck back in 1993. She is definitely someone I believe when she says she prayed for us. This reminded me about a lady I met this past November (2009). She knew me by name, because she prayed for us. This lady, who I had never met and quite honestly, don't know that I ever even heard of her, came right up to me and said, "Hello, my name is _______, and I was a member of your Aunt Brenda's choir when you all were in your wreck, and I have prayed for you and your family." WOW! Now that was awesome!
Being from a small town, like Oak Grove, LA, has it's advantages. I guess you would say from a worldly perspective, I was a fairly popular person in my little town and being married to a guy that played professional football only magnified the fact that many people knew us. When word spread that we had been in an automobile accident and I was paralyzed and not sure I was going to live, well...the Lord was busy fielding prayers out of Oak Grove! I'm sure every prayer chain in every denomination exploded into spontaneous prayer! How awesome is that?
I don't know how people make it that are from cities that have no support structure. I truly don't. I shudder to think of the homeless that have only what will fit into a small bag. (And just so you know, friends are few and far between for those of us in day to day society, never mind those who are on the street. They have and trust NO ONE). For whatever reason they have no family support. Man, I am so thankful for my family! I am blessed with two sides of family that are close and I know we matter to each other. When one hurts, we all hurt. Not so for the homeless or the one that has striven for anonymity and melted into a sea of faces in the large city!
Something that concerns me a bit about our society is that we strive for anonymity by hiding behind a computer screen. Sure there is Facebook* and Myspace* and social networks like that, but even they are pseudosocial clubs. It doesn't take much effort to post a few words here and there to old friends, but what about real tactile interaction? You know where you share a part of yourself with someone by giving up your time. We may as well be living in the crowded streets of a megalopolis when we recluse ourselves to a computer. Please understand, I am all about the social networks, because some really good things have come from them; but I don't want my interactions with people to be limited to that kind of relationship. There. I'm off my soapbox.
I have recently made a new friend and he is very relational. He is "good people". He lives the principle that people are more important than anything else in this world. He is a real friend and I have grown to love and trust him. Small town people have that quality almost built in. Thanks for being a real friend, Todd. The friend that reminded me about my small town, well she has been with me through some very dark places. No, we do not talk on a daily basis, nor weekly, nor monthly, but if she found out that something bad happened to me, she would be there to encourage me and pray with me.
Thanks Shea for reminding me to be that friend to those I grew up with in Oak Grove! I may have moved away, but I can still be the friend I should be. Thank you for your example! (And go Tigers! That's small town pride for those of you who do not "get it"!)
Friday, February 12, 2010
"Whatever It Takes Lord"
The road to April 8, 1993, actually started on Sunday March 14, 1993. My marriage was in trouble at the time and our definition of "fixing" our problems was to "get back into church." Isn't that just like us humans to think that we can "go" somewhere to fix a problem that does not exist in the natural realm. The only place we really need to go to is our knees and stay there until we "limp." I was guilty of it then and I'm guilty of it to this day. Maybe not as juvenile as I once was, but guilty nonetheless.
So, the story is, we started back to church! That's southern for attending church services. Either way you say it, it is sterile. No room for real growth in just going back to church. But wait! Don't let me lose you just yet! No, going back to church never "fixed" my marriage (we divorced ten years later), but it did plant a seed that began growing that very Sunday!
My pastor preached a sermon from John 21:15-17. Jesus asks Peter three times about his love for Him. The first two times, Jesus asks Peter if he agapao Him and Peter responded that he phileo Him. The third time Jesus asked Peter if he phileo Him and Peter responded that Jesus knew all things and that yes he phileo Him. Jesus knew the state of Peter's heart and he knows the state of ours. My pastor asked the congregation three times if we loved the Lord. By the third time, my pious self was wondering, too. He challenged us to pray everyday that God teach us how to truly love Him. We needed to desire to be taught how to love Him enough to say. "Whatever it takes Lord, teach me to truly love You."
Well, I mentioned before that we were commuting to Monroe from Oak Grove for school and work and that's when I read my Bible and prayed. I began that Sunday night asking God to teach me how to truly love Him. I prayed that everyday and I meant it. I said, "Whatever it takes!". God knew Peter's heart and He knows mine, too. My heart suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder! He knew what it would take to slow me down and get my focus. Some of us are a little more ADHD than others, but all of His children have it. If you are that child that is running to and fro without direction...well, let's just say...He will get your attention one way or another. He does that BECAUSE He loves us, not to punish us. I know that my life would never have been as fulfilling as it is had He not answered my prayer for help. He has taught me many, many things about His love for me and my ability to love Him. So, as it were, I am sitting in my "Whatever it takes."
So, the story is, we started back to church! That's southern for attending church services. Either way you say it, it is sterile. No room for real growth in just going back to church. But wait! Don't let me lose you just yet! No, going back to church never "fixed" my marriage (we divorced ten years later), but it did plant a seed that began growing that very Sunday!
My pastor preached a sermon from John 21:15-17. Jesus asks Peter three times about his love for Him. The first two times, Jesus asks Peter if he agapao Him and Peter responded that he phileo Him. The third time Jesus asked Peter if he phileo Him and Peter responded that Jesus knew all things and that yes he phileo Him. Jesus knew the state of Peter's heart and he knows the state of ours. My pastor asked the congregation three times if we loved the Lord. By the third time, my pious self was wondering, too. He challenged us to pray everyday that God teach us how to truly love Him. We needed to desire to be taught how to love Him enough to say. "Whatever it takes Lord, teach me to truly love You."
Well, I mentioned before that we were commuting to Monroe from Oak Grove for school and work and that's when I read my Bible and prayed. I began that Sunday night asking God to teach me how to truly love Him. I prayed that everyday and I meant it. I said, "Whatever it takes!". God knew Peter's heart and He knows mine, too. My heart suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder! He knew what it would take to slow me down and get my focus. Some of us are a little more ADHD than others, but all of His children have it. If you are that child that is running to and fro without direction...well, let's just say...He will get your attention one way or another. He does that BECAUSE He loves us, not to punish us. I know that my life would never have been as fulfilling as it is had He not answered my prayer for help. He has taught me many, many things about His love for me and my ability to love Him. So, as it were, I am sitting in my "Whatever it takes."
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Switch Was Flipped "On"
The next three or four days was riddled with fever, pain, family, friends, visitors, and a new way of life. Initially, the most disturbing problem was fever. When people see someone in a wheelchair, the most obvious observation is "They can't walk!", but that is really the least of the difficulties, I learned quickly. Bowel management, bladder management, and a host of other things the spinal cord regulates becomes the most urgent problems.
The next week I was treated for an infection because my temperature would not go down and since my temp wouldn't go down, they wouldn't move me to the rehab hospital attached to University hospital. I had the doctors reeling as to where the infection must be. After days of antibiotics and me burning up, we discovered my thermostat in the room was broken and the room temperature was staying up causing my temp to stay up. Apparently, the spinal cord regulates your body's temperature control and ability to sweat, so since the room was hot...so was I. I begged and pleaded to be moved and FINALLY, after blood, "sweat", and tears, they did! That was April the 8th.
April the 8th is not only my dad's birthday, but a birthday of sorts for me, as well. I was lying in the rehab hospital room moving nothing more than my eyes. I wasn't moving them much, because of a migraine, but I was thankful to be in the rehab so I could "start walking"! It had not totally set in just how severe the injury to my cord had been.
Over the course of that week, I received so many cards and letters with words of encouragement. By this time, my brother Kevin, had returned to Raleigh, NC and was sending his own cards and words of encouragement. He and his then fiance, Marsha (now his wife), sent me a card that God used to turn the "lights on" for me. The two scriptures that I experienced as flesh and blood that day were Isaiah 40:31 and Philippians 4:13. You know John 1:14 says that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. I believe that those two scriptures were just that tangible that day. Everything changed at 2:30 in the afternoon on April 8, 1993. Everything! You see, when I was 15 years old, I come to know who God was through Jesus Christ, but April 8, 1993, I come to KNOW Whose I was. There is a difference. I was healed that day from a severed spinal cord, sure, but more importantly, God became intimate to me. I knew Him. I became my Beloved's. I was secure for the first time in my life.
I was saved by grace when I was young, but had never really "walked" in the power of The Resurrected God. I received something that day that has never been too far from me since, and that is His power. Have I had my share of weaknesses? Oh yeah! Have I struggled with things I said I would NEVER struggle with again? Ah, yeah! But do I still have that same power available to me? Definitely! And I can say, that the prayers that were lifted up for me and my family during those so very dark days, illuminated a new way to live life...in the Light!
The next week I was treated for an infection because my temperature would not go down and since my temp wouldn't go down, they wouldn't move me to the rehab hospital attached to University hospital. I had the doctors reeling as to where the infection must be. After days of antibiotics and me burning up, we discovered my thermostat in the room was broken and the room temperature was staying up causing my temp to stay up. Apparently, the spinal cord regulates your body's temperature control and ability to sweat, so since the room was hot...so was I. I begged and pleaded to be moved and FINALLY, after blood, "sweat", and tears, they did! That was April the 8th.
April the 8th is not only my dad's birthday, but a birthday of sorts for me, as well. I was lying in the rehab hospital room moving nothing more than my eyes. I wasn't moving them much, because of a migraine, but I was thankful to be in the rehab so I could "start walking"! It had not totally set in just how severe the injury to my cord had been.
Over the course of that week, I received so many cards and letters with words of encouragement. By this time, my brother Kevin, had returned to Raleigh, NC and was sending his own cards and words of encouragement. He and his then fiance, Marsha (now his wife), sent me a card that God used to turn the "lights on" for me. The two scriptures that I experienced as flesh and blood that day were Isaiah 40:31 and Philippians 4:13. You know John 1:14 says that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. I believe that those two scriptures were just that tangible that day. Everything changed at 2:30 in the afternoon on April 8, 1993. Everything! You see, when I was 15 years old, I come to know who God was through Jesus Christ, but April 8, 1993, I come to KNOW Whose I was. There is a difference. I was healed that day from a severed spinal cord, sure, but more importantly, God became intimate to me. I knew Him. I became my Beloved's. I was secure for the first time in my life.
I was saved by grace when I was young, but had never really "walked" in the power of The Resurrected God. I received something that day that has never been too far from me since, and that is His power. Have I had my share of weaknesses? Oh yeah! Have I struggled with things I said I would NEVER struggle with again? Ah, yeah! But do I still have that same power available to me? Definitely! And I can say, that the prayers that were lifted up for me and my family during those so very dark days, illuminated a new way to live life...in the Light!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Chapter 4 Fully Aware
The ride to the hospital is sketchy for me, as I was in and out of consciousness, but I do remember Ches was in the ambulance with me. Looking back at the ride, it seems the ambulance was much larger. I vaguely remember Ches being there with me, except that the paramedic kept reassuring me that he was fine. I mentioned earlier that the roads on the way to Monroe were not all that great, right? Well, as we bumped along at high rates of speed, my oxygen mask kept slipping off of my face and everytime it did, I thought I was going to die. I obviously wasn't able to speak very loud, because I struggled getting the paramedic's attention to put the mask back on. Apparently, the fear I felt was conveyed through my eyes and the paramedic held the mask on for me. That was such a comfort.
When Ches and I made it to the hospital, my husband and Gabi had already arrived and so had many family members. We were spread out all over that emergency room. When they called in the neurosurgeon to look at my CT and MRI, he point blank said, "You need to go to University of Mississippi Hospital where you can get the best surgeon in this area for spinal injury." Well, who was I to argue? I mean, really, I was in no position to say, "I want a second opinion!" So....this meant I would be airlifted to Jackson and my children were left in Monroe.
The flight to Jackson was smooth as far as I can remember, but when we landed! Whew! Those doctor wannabes were all over me like ugly on a monkey! They were trying to "set" my dislocated elbow while I was awake and they were taking me straight to surgery! One sweet little nurse or resident, I honestly am not sure, said, "Can't you wait until she's in surgery to do that?" Bless you young lady (whoever you are!). And, yes, I could feel it. And, yes, that was a good thing.
When I awoke from surgery, the pain was so horrific. They were not giving me pain medicine, because they had not ruled out a brain injury at that point. I tried to tell them my brain was fine, but was about to short circuit without some relief from the pain. I had two children naturally. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but I don't think people are supposed to live through that kind of physical pain. It was really bad, but they stuck to their guns. Finally, after quite some time they gave me Tylenol 3 with codiene. They should rename that medicine to "itch in a pill!". Oh my word, my mother or whoever was handy stood over me and scratched my ever-loving itching NOSE!
Shortly after waking up from surgery, my mom and my brother, Kevin who lives in Raleigh, NC, came in for the fifteen minute visitation. Ok. Can I just say, in all seriousness, when I saw my brother, I thought I was dead or dying. I knew I must be in bad shape if my brother FLEW in to see me. That just didn't happen. I was crying and begging for some relief, but when I saw Kevin, I asked, "Am I dying?" Kevin had flown in from Raleigh, NC as soon as he was able. He was such a comfort and real source of strengh for my mom and me during that time.
The next few days following the surgery were flooded with medical complications, family, friends, therapists, you name it, I got it. The day that I remember being most cognizant, the head of neurosurgery at the hospital told me I would be paralyzed from my chest down for the rest of my life. Point blank, "You will be in a wheechair for the rest of your life." I don't think they offer "Tact 101" in medical school. But then again, how do you take the sting out of news like that? I guess you "remove" yourself from unplesant news like that when it is your job to deliver devastating information on a routine basis. Nonetheless, it was in the quiet of the nights with mom and other family members that stayed to help that tiny bits of reality began to creep into my awareness. I knew what they were saying. I had just enough medical training to know that a spinal cord injury is a really bad thing.
About the third or fourth night, I remember praying for my children and husband and thinking I would never be able to hold them again. Even now, as I recall that night tears fill my eyes and I can feel the desperation in my chest. I prayed and asked God to please let me at least move my arms so I could hug my babies. My right arm was in a cast from about mid-bicept to my hand and my left arm had just been lifeless. That very night, my nose was itching terribly bad and instintively my left arm went up in the air and fell across my face! God heard AND answered my prayer! I had no control over it, BUT IT MOVED!!!
I have often joked, that I should have prayed that God heal me totally since He was answering my prayers that night. Jesus said we just have to ask and our Father in heaven will give it to us. I am familiar with the verses that say if we ask...believing...in agreement...according to His will...He will grant us our petition! So why am I still rolling around? Why am I still paralyzed? Well, I don't have all the answers to all the hard questions, but I know Who does. March 30, 1993, God began a work in me. He has not completed what He started. I put my faith in the scripture in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know Paul was speaking to the brethren at Philippi and that He knew that their faith in Jesus was being perfected, but I know that the scripture is relavant to me today and I believe God began a good work that day in me. Those of you reading this have had tragedies that have stopped you dead in your tracks as well, but you may not see God's hand at work in those dark hours. Believe this...there are many of us who have suffered abuse, illness, and many atrocities and we cannot see the hand of God in our midst, but...He is there. He is in the middle of your world. You may not recognize Him because the situation is ugly and a loving God would NEVER allow such a bad thing to happen...but He does. I know that I have two choices to make. I can either reject Him because I am appalled at the circumstances or I can say, "OK, what is it that You want me to take away from this?" That is about as simple as I can make it to help you understand where I am coming from when I say He started a process that HORRIBLE day, but He has been in the process of shaping and molding me into the child He wants me to be.
The molding and shaping of our character is really what is happening when "life" comes our way with the speed of a jet airplane. I suppose, spiritually, we are more "prepared" at some times more than we are at others, but James 1:2-4 clearly tells us that it is a process. First the trial, then patience, then perfection, and ultimately lacking nothing. Have I arrived? Oh nooo! Am I close? Oh no, I really don't think so. But am I aware? Ahhh, yes. I am awake! I am fully aware of His presence in my life. And it is in Him that I can and have found PERFECT peace. And it is available to you to!
When Ches and I made it to the hospital, my husband and Gabi had already arrived and so had many family members. We were spread out all over that emergency room. When they called in the neurosurgeon to look at my CT and MRI, he point blank said, "You need to go to University of Mississippi Hospital where you can get the best surgeon in this area for spinal injury." Well, who was I to argue? I mean, really, I was in no position to say, "I want a second opinion!" So....this meant I would be airlifted to Jackson and my children were left in Monroe.
The flight to Jackson was smooth as far as I can remember, but when we landed! Whew! Those doctor wannabes were all over me like ugly on a monkey! They were trying to "set" my dislocated elbow while I was awake and they were taking me straight to surgery! One sweet little nurse or resident, I honestly am not sure, said, "Can't you wait until she's in surgery to do that?" Bless you young lady (whoever you are!). And, yes, I could feel it. And, yes, that was a good thing.
When I awoke from surgery, the pain was so horrific. They were not giving me pain medicine, because they had not ruled out a brain injury at that point. I tried to tell them my brain was fine, but was about to short circuit without some relief from the pain. I had two children naturally. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but I don't think people are supposed to live through that kind of physical pain. It was really bad, but they stuck to their guns. Finally, after quite some time they gave me Tylenol 3 with codiene. They should rename that medicine to "itch in a pill!". Oh my word, my mother or whoever was handy stood over me and scratched my ever-loving itching NOSE!
Shortly after waking up from surgery, my mom and my brother, Kevin who lives in Raleigh, NC, came in for the fifteen minute visitation. Ok. Can I just say, in all seriousness, when I saw my brother, I thought I was dead or dying. I knew I must be in bad shape if my brother FLEW in to see me. That just didn't happen. I was crying and begging for some relief, but when I saw Kevin, I asked, "Am I dying?" Kevin had flown in from Raleigh, NC as soon as he was able. He was such a comfort and real source of strengh for my mom and me during that time.
The next few days following the surgery were flooded with medical complications, family, friends, therapists, you name it, I got it. The day that I remember being most cognizant, the head of neurosurgery at the hospital told me I would be paralyzed from my chest down for the rest of my life. Point blank, "You will be in a wheechair for the rest of your life." I don't think they offer "Tact 101" in medical school. But then again, how do you take the sting out of news like that? I guess you "remove" yourself from unplesant news like that when it is your job to deliver devastating information on a routine basis. Nonetheless, it was in the quiet of the nights with mom and other family members that stayed to help that tiny bits of reality began to creep into my awareness. I knew what they were saying. I had just enough medical training to know that a spinal cord injury is a really bad thing.
About the third or fourth night, I remember praying for my children and husband and thinking I would never be able to hold them again. Even now, as I recall that night tears fill my eyes and I can feel the desperation in my chest. I prayed and asked God to please let me at least move my arms so I could hug my babies. My right arm was in a cast from about mid-bicept to my hand and my left arm had just been lifeless. That very night, my nose was itching terribly bad and instintively my left arm went up in the air and fell across my face! God heard AND answered my prayer! I had no control over it, BUT IT MOVED!!!
I have often joked, that I should have prayed that God heal me totally since He was answering my prayers that night. Jesus said we just have to ask and our Father in heaven will give it to us. I am familiar with the verses that say if we ask...believing...in agreement...according to His will...He will grant us our petition! So why am I still rolling around? Why am I still paralyzed? Well, I don't have all the answers to all the hard questions, but I know Who does. March 30, 1993, God began a work in me. He has not completed what He started. I put my faith in the scripture in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know Paul was speaking to the brethren at Philippi and that He knew that their faith in Jesus was being perfected, but I know that the scripture is relavant to me today and I believe God began a good work that day in me. Those of you reading this have had tragedies that have stopped you dead in your tracks as well, but you may not see God's hand at work in those dark hours. Believe this...there are many of us who have suffered abuse, illness, and many atrocities and we cannot see the hand of God in our midst, but...He is there. He is in the middle of your world. You may not recognize Him because the situation is ugly and a loving God would NEVER allow such a bad thing to happen...but He does. I know that I have two choices to make. I can either reject Him because I am appalled at the circumstances or I can say, "OK, what is it that You want me to take away from this?" That is about as simple as I can make it to help you understand where I am coming from when I say He started a process that HORRIBLE day, but He has been in the process of shaping and molding me into the child He wants me to be.
The molding and shaping of our character is really what is happening when "life" comes our way with the speed of a jet airplane. I suppose, spiritually, we are more "prepared" at some times more than we are at others, but James 1:2-4 clearly tells us that it is a process. First the trial, then patience, then perfection, and ultimately lacking nothing. Have I arrived? Oh nooo! Am I close? Oh no, I really don't think so. But am I aware? Ahhh, yes. I am awake! I am fully aware of His presence in my life. And it is in Him that I can and have found PERFECT peace. And it is available to you to!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Chapter 3 The Jaws of Life
Lying there limp and nearly lifeless, I was told that my four year old son, Ches, was out of the car walking around when the ambulance arrived. Thankfully, he sustained no physical injuries. Conversely, he saw EVERYTHING. He saw Gabi with blood streaming down her face and her tears as she was in terrific pain from a broken nose and femur. He heard all the moans and saw all the carnage. He suffered from that mental anguish. They call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Gabi, three, was in a body cast for two months, but she was quite tenacious as she learned to walk around in that full-body armor! How precious they were! And, how awesome they are now.
When the ambulance arrived, they realized that I had a neck injury and so did I. I mentioned that I was in clinicals in Radiologic Technology. Our wreck was on a,Tuesday, but on Monday i was working in the emergency room x-ray department. I had just rotated into this area not long before. On Monday morning, there had been a car accident in town and they brought the patient in to have a C-spine clearance. That's x-rays to make sure the c-collar can safely be removed and there are no neck injuries. On Monday, the patient was cleared...on Tuesday, I was the patient and I didn't clear.
I remember telling them not to move me and put a collar on me. I cannot describe the pain. It was so isolated to my neck. I didn't hurt anywhere else. I had a dislocated elbow and broken wrist, but the only pain I felt was in my neck. The closest anology I can give is to imagine being stabbed in the neck with a red-hot poker! Excruciating! The EMT and paramedics were so careful not to move me an inch without securing my neck, but we ran into a snag...my door was smashed shut from the front side. They had to extract me from the car. Can you say Jaws of Life?
Have you ever felt trapped? Either in a situation or in your heart and mind? Isaiah 61:1-3 tells us that Jesus came to set us free. In essence, Christ is your Jaws of Life. Being removed from that crushed vehicle was piercingly painful, I can assure you. If you feel that your life has crashed in around you and you feel no hope, Jesus Christ can pull you out of the wreckage. It will not be easy. It will not be painless, but it will be worth it!
When the ambulance arrived, they realized that I had a neck injury and so did I. I mentioned that I was in clinicals in Radiologic Technology. Our wreck was on a,Tuesday, but on Monday i was working in the emergency room x-ray department. I had just rotated into this area not long before. On Monday morning, there had been a car accident in town and they brought the patient in to have a C-spine clearance. That's x-rays to make sure the c-collar can safely be removed and there are no neck injuries. On Monday, the patient was cleared...on Tuesday, I was the patient and I didn't clear.
I remember telling them not to move me and put a collar on me. I cannot describe the pain. It was so isolated to my neck. I didn't hurt anywhere else. I had a dislocated elbow and broken wrist, but the only pain I felt was in my neck. The closest anology I can give is to imagine being stabbed in the neck with a red-hot poker! Excruciating! The EMT and paramedics were so careful not to move me an inch without securing my neck, but we ran into a snag...my door was smashed shut from the front side. They had to extract me from the car. Can you say Jaws of Life?
Have you ever felt trapped? Either in a situation or in your heart and mind? Isaiah 61:1-3 tells us that Jesus came to set us free. In essence, Christ is your Jaws of Life. Being removed from that crushed vehicle was piercingly painful, I can assure you. If you feel that your life has crashed in around you and you feel no hope, Jesus Christ can pull you out of the wreckage. It will not be easy. It will not be painless, but it will be worth it!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Chapter 2 My life Flashed Before My Eyes
In that moment, that very brief time in the car, as I lay still, I had no idea what I or my family was about to face and Who I was about to face. You know they say your life flashes right before your eyes as you narrowly escape death? Well, in hindsight, I think you reevaluate your life. I know for me, I've been given the blessing of viewing things as temporal.
Life is short, period, dot, end of thought. Why do we waste so much of our time and energy holding grudges and harboring hate in our hearts. The likelihood that you are one of those people with the dreamy childhood is far from what the rest of us experienced. I'd like to deal with this issue first, as it is the most difficult for me to disclose, but I feel it is definitely worth the effort.
Childhood for me is compartmentalized. I led a double life as a small child. In fact, my family led a double life. My father is an alcoholic. He was a practicing alcoholic until July of 1981, and he has been sober since. I had much to forgive him for and God made a way. I was abused for the most of my childhood, but God made a way for me to forgive my abuser. For those of you that grew up with a parent in addiction, abuse, or neglect, I want to assure you that forgiveness can and will come to you if you pray and ask God to give it to you. I am living proof!
The problem with childhood abuse is that it skews your perception of how things are supposed to be. Your friends and their families act much differently than how your family operates and instinctively you know, you KNOW, that something is wrong! When I said that I compartmentalized, I put all the "bad" things that occurred in a box in my mind and shoved it as far back in the recesses as I possibly could and only opened it when I had to deal with "bad" things. Praise be to God that He has taken that "box", opened it with me and has shown me the "pearls" that have developed as a result of the "bad" times as a child. God wants to reveal to you the tiny grains of sand that infiltrated your life; that became irritants and have left you scarred. Open that box and examine the irritant, the abuse, the neglect. God will walk through the process with you if you invite Him to show you how He can use that pearl for His glory.
I think we were able to separate the things happening to us so much so that when we were placed in public, we knew what to say and what not to say. Many of us carried that trait into adulthood. We only let people see that part of us that is "all put together". I say to you, if you are that person, fall on your face before God and trust Him to replace the pain and facade with healing and realness. That's what makes us pliable in His hands. We MUST become like putty in the Master Potter's hand.
So, you ask,"What does all this have to do with the wreck and paralysis?", well, remember I said that when I regained consciousness immediately after the crash and all I heard was the hissing of the engine? I know God protected me from hearing my children crying. He knew that I would not have been able to keep an ounce of sanity had I heard my babies crying. However, they were crying. I was in a rehab hospital for four months following the wreck and one night I awoke to hearing my babies screaming! I know that was God opening a little box in my mind where that had been stored until I could deal with it. At that point, my family was staying with me pretty much all day and night. I knew they were okay now, but God showed me that He spared me that mental anguish of hearing their screams and being helpless to comfort them.
It may be that God was protecting my mind when I was a child just as He did while I lay there in that car. I can't be sure, but what I am sure of is that He has helped me to see the good that has come from being a wounded child. "WHAT?!" I can hear the questions now. Yes, what Satan intended for harm, God has turned to good. And, He'll do it for you, too.
Life is short, period, dot, end of thought. Why do we waste so much of our time and energy holding grudges and harboring hate in our hearts. The likelihood that you are one of those people with the dreamy childhood is far from what the rest of us experienced. I'd like to deal with this issue first, as it is the most difficult for me to disclose, but I feel it is definitely worth the effort.
Childhood for me is compartmentalized. I led a double life as a small child. In fact, my family led a double life. My father is an alcoholic. He was a practicing alcoholic until July of 1981, and he has been sober since. I had much to forgive him for and God made a way. I was abused for the most of my childhood, but God made a way for me to forgive my abuser. For those of you that grew up with a parent in addiction, abuse, or neglect, I want to assure you that forgiveness can and will come to you if you pray and ask God to give it to you. I am living proof!
The problem with childhood abuse is that it skews your perception of how things are supposed to be. Your friends and their families act much differently than how your family operates and instinctively you know, you KNOW, that something is wrong! When I said that I compartmentalized, I put all the "bad" things that occurred in a box in my mind and shoved it as far back in the recesses as I possibly could and only opened it when I had to deal with "bad" things. Praise be to God that He has taken that "box", opened it with me and has shown me the "pearls" that have developed as a result of the "bad" times as a child. God wants to reveal to you the tiny grains of sand that infiltrated your life; that became irritants and have left you scarred. Open that box and examine the irritant, the abuse, the neglect. God will walk through the process with you if you invite Him to show you how He can use that pearl for His glory.
I think we were able to separate the things happening to us so much so that when we were placed in public, we knew what to say and what not to say. Many of us carried that trait into adulthood. We only let people see that part of us that is "all put together". I say to you, if you are that person, fall on your face before God and trust Him to replace the pain and facade with healing and realness. That's what makes us pliable in His hands. We MUST become like putty in the Master Potter's hand.
So, you ask,"What does all this have to do with the wreck and paralysis?", well, remember I said that when I regained consciousness immediately after the crash and all I heard was the hissing of the engine? I know God protected me from hearing my children crying. He knew that I would not have been able to keep an ounce of sanity had I heard my babies crying. However, they were crying. I was in a rehab hospital for four months following the wreck and one night I awoke to hearing my babies screaming! I know that was God opening a little box in my mind where that had been stored until I could deal with it. At that point, my family was staying with me pretty much all day and night. I knew they were okay now, but God showed me that He spared me that mental anguish of hearing their screams and being helpless to comfort them.
It may be that God was protecting my mind when I was a child just as He did while I lay there in that car. I can't be sure, but what I am sure of is that He has helped me to see the good that has come from being a wounded child. "WHAT?!" I can hear the questions now. Yes, what Satan intended for harm, God has turned to good. And, He'll do it for you, too.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Chapter 1 The Day My World Stopped Turning and Started Rolling
March 30, 1993 marks the day that my life turned on its ear. That morning as I was getting my day started, I ran a mile for the first time in months as I had been recovering from surgery and had been inactive. It was a cool damp morning, but the run was so invigorating that the elements were of no concern. My then husband, two children Ches 4 and Gabi 3), and I were living about an hours drive from his work, their part-time daycare, and my school. I was in my clinicals at Northeast Louisiana University for Radiologic Technology. I had just over a year before I graduated.
Typically, my cildren would stay with my mother while we were in Monroe for school and work, but my mother had a dentist appointment in Monroe, so the children were with me. We all left Oak Grove at the same time and when we reached a little intersection where you could turn or go straight and both routes took you to the same place; mom went one way and we went the other. The drive to Monroe from Oak Grove was all rural highways, and mostly substandard roads at that. On this partcular day there was an ever so slight mist in the air so the highways were damp, not saturated.
The kids were in the back seat of our small four-door car. I was in the passenger side studying. At my last glance at Ches and Gabi, they were buckled in and I had the automatic shoulder strap in place. At some point I remember my ex-husband making a sound. It was a deep, desperate sound that caught my immediate attention. I looked up in just enough time to see a white flash and try to turn to check on the kids. That's the last thing I remember as an able bodied, independent to a fault, twenty-four year old, young mother.
My next state of consciousness must have been only seconds later, because I heard a loud hissing noise. It was steam off the motors of the little white truck and our little black car that had just collided at a rate of about 55 miles per hour head on. I didn't hear my children crying (then), but I heard my husband moaning and laboring for breath. I think God must have somehow buffered my mind from everything going on around me, because I could not have helped anyone. I lay there, draped over that shoulder strap like a rag doll. The only things moving on me were my eyes and the rise and fall of my chest with shallow respirations. I was paralyzed.
That day marks the beginning of a road of discovery. I discovered just how vulnerable and fragile life is and how awesome and gracious God's power to overcome tragedies is. I'll be sharing God's power to overcome disabilities, mental anguish, abuse, divorce, drug addiction, and lonliness. So...stay tuned.
Typically, my cildren would stay with my mother while we were in Monroe for school and work, but my mother had a dentist appointment in Monroe, so the children were with me. We all left Oak Grove at the same time and when we reached a little intersection where you could turn or go straight and both routes took you to the same place; mom went one way and we went the other. The drive to Monroe from Oak Grove was all rural highways, and mostly substandard roads at that. On this partcular day there was an ever so slight mist in the air so the highways were damp, not saturated.
The kids were in the back seat of our small four-door car. I was in the passenger side studying. At my last glance at Ches and Gabi, they were buckled in and I had the automatic shoulder strap in place. At some point I remember my ex-husband making a sound. It was a deep, desperate sound that caught my immediate attention. I looked up in just enough time to see a white flash and try to turn to check on the kids. That's the last thing I remember as an able bodied, independent to a fault, twenty-four year old, young mother.
My next state of consciousness must have been only seconds later, because I heard a loud hissing noise. It was steam off the motors of the little white truck and our little black car that had just collided at a rate of about 55 miles per hour head on. I didn't hear my children crying (then), but I heard my husband moaning and laboring for breath. I think God must have somehow buffered my mind from everything going on around me, because I could not have helped anyone. I lay there, draped over that shoulder strap like a rag doll. The only things moving on me were my eyes and the rise and fall of my chest with shallow respirations. I was paralyzed.
That day marks the beginning of a road of discovery. I discovered just how vulnerable and fragile life is and how awesome and gracious God's power to overcome tragedies is. I'll be sharing God's power to overcome disabilities, mental anguish, abuse, divorce, drug addiction, and lonliness. So...stay tuned.
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