I wrote this a few months back, but figured someone could identify...
We all have one. We ultimately want to show it or tell it. The problem is what we show and what we tell may not match up with the truth.
We want to appear "all together." I'm here to tell you that I DO NOT have it all together. In fact, I'm a bloody mess on the inside, a ball of pent up emotion and pain. Can you feel me?
I have recently been trying to finish school by writing my infernal thesis, but I want to write "other stuff," and so I write nothing. About two weeks ago I was mowing on my Grasshopper and praying about writing and I had a sense of "just write!" Much easier said than done, but much of life's instructions are.
So, here I am writing in a "Blog." Really? A blog? But, it's a start I suppose! So, here goes...
Enjoy the Journey*
My favorite Christian artist wrote this song about ten years ago for someone else, but she is sure it was for herself now. Well, I can tell you, I haven't been enjoying my journey lately. Between school, health, family, and relationships, I feel empty. I mean, don't get me wrong...I have made some great friends over the past couple of years, I love my family, school has been rewarding and my health is on the mend, but something is missing. I am truly thankful for my relationship with Christ and it is when my attention is pulled away, even for a moment, that I start seeing the gaps in my life.
Gaps
Wow, what a neat word; gap. The missing part of a bridge is a gap. There are "cattle gaps" which are missing parts of the road with bars over them so cows can't escape a pasture. Gaps are all around me, but when I sense that there is a gap in my heart, I have to question what my focus is on...the "gap" or the parts on either side? If I look at the gap too long then the chasm gets bigger and bigger! The thing I must remind myself, is that God bridged the gap through Christ and focus on Him. He will become the bridge and the absence I feel, He will fill. God is faithful even when I'm not, because I am His child!
Enjoy the Journey...
Well, to say the least, I haven't been enjoying my journey. I'm on one, we're all on one. I haven't been enjoying the journey, because I'm focusing on who is or is not on the road with me. Some roads we just have to walk "seemingly" alone. I know I'm not alone, but the distance between my heart and head may as well be 10,000 miles. I see the road ahead, somewhat, and it looks rather lonely because of my focus and so...
The Gap...
I'll let the Lord be my bridge and He will fill it how He deems best. I must remain with my hand out stetched to His.
*Enjoy the Journey by Naomi Carroll ( www.naomicarroll.com )
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Bruised, Battered, or Broken
My personal experience is that forgiveness and trust are essential to healthy relationships. As most folks will agree, small indiscretions (i.e. hurtful words, a forgotten date) in which trust isn't broken require forgiveness. The relationship can be salvaged when trust is merely bruised (i.e. broken promise), but when it has been broken, well, that falls into a whole different stratosphere. And when it has been broken and battered repeatedly, let's just say you may as well be in a different time warp! I still believe that trust can be earned back over time, but it just takes a whole lot more of it.
I'm certainly not limiting God's ability to forgive, because His grace is so far beyond our human capacity to comprehend and He even chooses to forget. But where does that leave us? Those of us that may have been "broken" and "battered"? That leaves us very "raw" and super sensitive to anything that looks untrustworthy. Remember though, God commands that we forgive, but I don't think there is anywhere in the Bible that says we must forget! Is that even possible? I know for me that it hasn't happened. I have forgiven, but only by the grace of God. Forgotten? No, that one alludes me.
Can we forget? I mean, really, are we capable? I haven't forgotten the many hurts from growing up with an alcoholic father (who has been sober since July of 1981), but I've forgiven him and have a wonderful relationship with him today. I had to forgive my mother for not protecting me from that environment, but I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten the people that were driving the vehicle that left me paralyzed, but I've forgiven them. And, like you, could name and number many people that have hurt me in the past that I can't forget about, but have been able to forgive. I can't take the credit for the capacity to forgive. It's just not in me, but greater is He Who is in me than he that is in the world. And through Him, I've been able to forgive. But forget?...That gets me to thinking about trust.
Just because I've forgiven someone, am I commanded to trust them? No, I don't think so. God says to trust Him, not those that hurt us. That doesn't mean that God can't restore the trust that was broken, but it only comes over time and with consistent behavior of the one that broke the bonds of trust in the relationship. I can say honestly, that I DO NOT trust many people. Maybe, it's my history, maybe it's a character flaw. I'm not quite sure, but I have peace with my Father and I believe He has given me the Holy Spirit to guide me into all truth. So, I'll watch...and I'll wait...and I'll see who is trustWORTHY, for God said in Proverbs 3: 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
You know, though, the hardest person in life to forgive and trust sometimes is yourself.
I'm certainly not limiting God's ability to forgive, because His grace is so far beyond our human capacity to comprehend and He even chooses to forget. But where does that leave us? Those of us that may have been "broken" and "battered"? That leaves us very "raw" and super sensitive to anything that looks untrustworthy. Remember though, God commands that we forgive, but I don't think there is anywhere in the Bible that says we must forget! Is that even possible? I know for me that it hasn't happened. I have forgiven, but only by the grace of God. Forgotten? No, that one alludes me.
Can we forget? I mean, really, are we capable? I haven't forgotten the many hurts from growing up with an alcoholic father (who has been sober since July of 1981), but I've forgiven him and have a wonderful relationship with him today. I had to forgive my mother for not protecting me from that environment, but I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten the people that were driving the vehicle that left me paralyzed, but I've forgiven them. And, like you, could name and number many people that have hurt me in the past that I can't forget about, but have been able to forgive. I can't take the credit for the capacity to forgive. It's just not in me, but greater is He Who is in me than he that is in the world. And through Him, I've been able to forgive. But forget?...That gets me to thinking about trust.
Just because I've forgiven someone, am I commanded to trust them? No, I don't think so. God says to trust Him, not those that hurt us. That doesn't mean that God can't restore the trust that was broken, but it only comes over time and with consistent behavior of the one that broke the bonds of trust in the relationship. I can say honestly, that I DO NOT trust many people. Maybe, it's my history, maybe it's a character flaw. I'm not quite sure, but I have peace with my Father and I believe He has given me the Holy Spirit to guide me into all truth. So, I'll watch...and I'll wait...and I'll see who is trustWORTHY, for God said in Proverbs 3: 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
You know, though, the hardest person in life to forgive and trust sometimes is yourself.
Monday, November 16, 2009
In All Fairness
Remember when you were married and you had all those sweet pet names for your spouses and how some of them held a more personal meaning than others? Remember how some of those pet names were so personal that you would even accompany the name with a sideways wink? Yea, well, so much for that, right, because when then the divorce is over those pet names get replaced by insulting remarks that you still accompany with a sideways wink! Oh yeah! I've been there and done that, too. I not only got the t-shirt, I went back for the cap, AND fanny-pack!
Yes, I've been married three times and I'd like to say something about my ex's. Brace yourselves. There will be some language used that you may not be prepared for so this is my disclaimer!
My first husband was a child, but so was I. We married so young that the cards were already stacked against us. He has turned into a wonderful man (and still a self-proclaimed child). We are very good friends now and in hind-sight, 20/20 ocular perfection, should never have divorced, but we did and I take full credit for that failure.
My second husband, I struggle with, as far as forgiveness, the most. When we first married we were not growing in our relationship with the Lord, far from it, in fact. But, as time went on, life threw us a curve ball. We were in a car wreck that broke his and my daughter's body up, psychologically broke my son up, and left me paralyzed from my chest down. We went through so many things together that I thought made us stronger, but in the end was our destruction. He left me for someone who portrayed herself as being my friend. Our marriage was very much in trouble even though we were involved in youth ministry and in church every time the doors opened. Let that be a word of warning to anyone that is married and actively in church; you are not immune. More on this subject at a later time.
My third husband, well, I really don't know how to approach this relationship. I thought he was God's gift to me for having had such a bad marriage with my second husband, because he and I just "clicked". We had so much in common and I thoroughly enjoyed his company...until. Let me just suffice to say for now, that had I been patient and obedient to the Lord before getting married, I may never would have had a third marriage or divorce. As bad as I hate to admit that, because I love him (and still do); it is the truth.
After three divorces, I finally went to get some help with processing the pain incurred by the divorces. The biggest mistake that I made (besides the BIGGEST of not having "Creator assisted"* mate pickin') was not allowing myself to heal from the pain of divorce. Divorce Care# has been one of the most effective tools to healing from the divorces. I wish pre-marital counseling included portions of the Divorce Care# curriculum. Yea...it's that good, in fact, I went through it twice!
I just wanted to take the opportunity to introduce a snippet of my marriages. A total of 23 years of marriage means I was with another person for 23 years and now I'm learning how to be a soloist. Oh that I had learned that capability many, many years ago. The saying, "I'm learning how to be comfortable in my own skin," is becoming very real to me. And surprisingly enough...it's not so bad! So my word of encouragement for the reader today is to take time to find out who (or better yet Whose) you are so that you can recognize your other-half when God sends them!
*(Thanks Todd Turner for the "Toddism")
#Divorce Care (www.divorcecare.com/)
Yes, I've been married three times and I'd like to say something about my ex's. Brace yourselves. There will be some language used that you may not be prepared for so this is my disclaimer!
My first husband was a child, but so was I. We married so young that the cards were already stacked against us. He has turned into a wonderful man (and still a self-proclaimed child). We are very good friends now and in hind-sight, 20/20 ocular perfection, should never have divorced, but we did and I take full credit for that failure.
My second husband, I struggle with, as far as forgiveness, the most. When we first married we were not growing in our relationship with the Lord, far from it, in fact. But, as time went on, life threw us a curve ball. We were in a car wreck that broke his and my daughter's body up, psychologically broke my son up, and left me paralyzed from my chest down. We went through so many things together that I thought made us stronger, but in the end was our destruction. He left me for someone who portrayed herself as being my friend. Our marriage was very much in trouble even though we were involved in youth ministry and in church every time the doors opened. Let that be a word of warning to anyone that is married and actively in church; you are not immune. More on this subject at a later time.
My third husband, well, I really don't know how to approach this relationship. I thought he was God's gift to me for having had such a bad marriage with my second husband, because he and I just "clicked". We had so much in common and I thoroughly enjoyed his company...until. Let me just suffice to say for now, that had I been patient and obedient to the Lord before getting married, I may never would have had a third marriage or divorce. As bad as I hate to admit that, because I love him (and still do); it is the truth.
After three divorces, I finally went to get some help with processing the pain incurred by the divorces. The biggest mistake that I made (besides the BIGGEST of not having "Creator assisted"* mate pickin') was not allowing myself to heal from the pain of divorce. Divorce Care# has been one of the most effective tools to healing from the divorces. I wish pre-marital counseling included portions of the Divorce Care# curriculum. Yea...it's that good, in fact, I went through it twice!
I just wanted to take the opportunity to introduce a snippet of my marriages. A total of 23 years of marriage means I was with another person for 23 years and now I'm learning how to be a soloist. Oh that I had learned that capability many, many years ago. The saying, "I'm learning how to be comfortable in my own skin," is becoming very real to me. And surprisingly enough...it's not so bad! So my word of encouragement for the reader today is to take time to find out who (or better yet Whose) you are so that you can recognize your other-half when God sends them!
*(Thanks Todd Turner for the "Toddism")
#Divorce Care (www.divorcecare.com/)
The Single Life Struggles
There comes a time in life when you realize (when the dust settles) that this "picture" doesn't look like what you thought it would. The disillusionment of failed marriages, the struggles of single parenting, and, well, being alone, all take you places you never thought you would go. The seedy night clubs or anonymous chat rooms are traps for the lonely and broken-hearted. That does not mean that all the places you find yourself in are bad, just not where you thought you might end up; like the mission fields of the Serengeti or Siberia. Surely the loneliness of being a single-again person can't be so bad as all that. Right? Wrong!
Having LIVED (yes I survived) through three failed marriages, I come to realize that I'm either very bad at marriage or very good at divorce and those are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I actually had a relative say that my "picker" was broke...What exactly does that mean? Do I need to consult Heloise, eMatch-Me-Up, or Madame Love & Tarot Card Reading before I choose the next casualty of "I do"?
Hmmm, so yes, this got me thinking. My "picker" is broken. Looking back over my adult life, my "picker" never was "fixed". I was the one that chose my spouses. I didn't invite God into my "pickin'" process. Now, please don't mistake me when I say that just because God wasn't allowed to put the marriage together on the front end that He should be blamed for them falling apart on the hind end. That was our fault.
As may be obvious by now, I was the girl that either 1)always had a boyfriend, 2)always sized up the next guy to see if he would be my next boyfriend, or 3) was married (to one of the above). It is true that hindsight is 20/20 and as I survey the landscape of the last 23 years of marriage (that's a combined figure), there isn't much joy that I recall from my relationships. Oh yes, we had happy times and my children, well, they ARE the joy that I see as I look back, but my marriages, not so much.
Now that we've established that all of us have broken "pickers", I invite you to join me along my journey of Singleness and what it has taken to get to the place I'm at now.
Having LIVED (yes I survived) through three failed marriages, I come to realize that I'm either very bad at marriage or very good at divorce and those are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I actually had a relative say that my "picker" was broke...What exactly does that mean? Do I need to consult Heloise, eMatch-Me-Up, or Madame Love & Tarot Card Reading before I choose the next casualty of "I do"?
Hmmm, so yes, this got me thinking. My "picker" is broken. Looking back over my adult life, my "picker" never was "fixed". I was the one that chose my spouses. I didn't invite God into my "pickin'" process. Now, please don't mistake me when I say that just because God wasn't allowed to put the marriage together on the front end that He should be blamed for them falling apart on the hind end. That was our fault.
As may be obvious by now, I was the girl that either 1)always had a boyfriend, 2)always sized up the next guy to see if he would be my next boyfriend, or 3) was married (to one of the above). It is true that hindsight is 20/20 and as I survey the landscape of the last 23 years of marriage (that's a combined figure), there isn't much joy that I recall from my relationships. Oh yes, we had happy times and my children, well, they ARE the joy that I see as I look back, but my marriages, not so much.
Now that we've established that all of us have broken "pickers", I invite you to join me along my journey of Singleness and what it has taken to get to the place I'm at now.
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