11 For thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep, and seek them out. 12 As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day. 13 And I will bring them out from the people, and gather them from the countries, and will bring them to their own land, and feed them upon the mountains of Israel by the rivers, and in all the inhabited places of the country. 14 I will feed them in a good pasture, and upon the high mountains of Israel shall their fold be: there shall they lie in a good fold, and in a fat pasture shall they feed upon the mountains of Israel. 15 I will feed my flock, and I will cause them to lie down, saith the Lord GOD. 16 I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick: but I will destroy the fat and the strong; I will feed them with judgment.
Ezek 34:11-16 (KJV)
When I was a little girl, I did not have siblings my age nor neighbors close enough to play with everyday. I did not have video games available to while away my time. I had me, myself, and I. I recall a time when I was in elementary school that brings back vivid smells, visions, and heart feelings that gives me a comfortable feeling.
It was in the fall of the year. The mornings were very cool and the days were warm. On this particular day, there was a "northerner" blowing in and the wind was blowing fairly brisk. The sky was dark in the north and it just appeared ominous. The air was cool as the weather was about to change. We had a huge (well it was huge to me then) oak tree in our front yard. When the wind started blowing, I looked out our front screen door and there were leaves falling from the tree. It was a beautiful sight to me. I ran outside and began trying to catch the leaves that were falling. As I look back now, I'm not sure if I was trying to "save" the leaves from hitting the ground or if it had become some type of game for me, but which ever, I was determined!
The scripture in Ezekiel tells us that He chases after us, but how? How does God, our Shepherd, chase after us? The scripture says He does. The scripture says He looks for those that are hurt and wounded. He searches for the ones malnourished. Obviously, we are His sheep. Have you been wounded? Perhaps, you've been wounded by the church. Possibly, you're own choices have brought you pain. If you are lost or falling...There is hope! The God of ALL creation loves you and He will chase you just like I chased after the falling leaves. He uses the very people you are surrounded by to lift you out of your struggle.
This is a message for Christians. God has placed you in your place of influence to draw the hurt, battered, and struggling back to the One Who can mend them. We should never take it lightly that God has a plan and purpose for our position!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Grandfathers AKA "Pawpaws"
Train up a child in the way he should go, And even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Prov 22:6 (ASV)
When I was a child, I was fortunate to live about 2/10 of a mile from my grandparents. Oh yes, I was spoiled rotten. And yes, I was loved by them. They watched me before I went to school when mom worked. They watched me in the summers when I was too young to stay by myself. To say that I was close to them is an understatement.
Mawmaw and Pawpaw saw to it that I went to church when Mom and Dad were not "regular" attenders. I attribute my spiritual education as a child to them. VBS was ALWAYS a time I looked forward to. During craft time, the workers would let me make two of whatever the craft was that day: one for Mom and Dad and one for Mawmaw and Pawpaw. Those are great memories.
During the summer, my cousins that lived in Greenville, MS would come and spend two or three weeks with them (me) and I have wonderful memories of them, also. Getting into the hen house to make "mud pies" (well, we needed eggs!), walking to the cemetery (just behind Mawmaw and Pawpaw's house), climbing in the old barn and corn bin (with all the mice and snakes, I shudder to think!), swinging in the old black walnut tree...Oh I could go on and on. There is one memory however, that as an adult brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.
Pawpaw had an old 65 Chevy truck. It was baby blue with white trim. I learned how to drive a standard on the column. In fact, I learned how to drive in that old truck driving on the gravel road between their house and ours. One summer, my cousins were down and we asked if we could paint Pawpaw's truck. What?! We were 8-10 years old. What were we thinking? He said "yes". What was he thinking?! He gave us a bucket of white paint and he told us where we could paint. And paint, we did! We tried to stay within the parameters he set for us, but hey, we were 8-10 years old! His reaction to our handiwork was priceless! He was so proud of what we had done that he showed it off to everyone that day! We were so proud that we had pleased our Pawpaw that we wanted everyone to see our "work".
That reminds me of our heavenly Father. I try to stay within the parameters that He has laid out for me, but I don't always make it. My grandparents instilled in me the importance of pleasing my Father and my Pawpaw showed me how much He delights in me by the way he found joy in me! To honor my Pawpaw's memory, I have restored his old truck. This time I had it professionally painted!
Prov 22:6 (ASV)
When I was a child, I was fortunate to live about 2/10 of a mile from my grandparents. Oh yes, I was spoiled rotten. And yes, I was loved by them. They watched me before I went to school when mom worked. They watched me in the summers when I was too young to stay by myself. To say that I was close to them is an understatement.
Mawmaw and Pawpaw saw to it that I went to church when Mom and Dad were not "regular" attenders. I attribute my spiritual education as a child to them. VBS was ALWAYS a time I looked forward to. During craft time, the workers would let me make two of whatever the craft was that day: one for Mom and Dad and one for Mawmaw and Pawpaw. Those are great memories.
During the summer, my cousins that lived in Greenville, MS would come and spend two or three weeks with them (me) and I have wonderful memories of them, also. Getting into the hen house to make "mud pies" (well, we needed eggs!), walking to the cemetery (just behind Mawmaw and Pawpaw's house), climbing in the old barn and corn bin (with all the mice and snakes, I shudder to think!), swinging in the old black walnut tree...Oh I could go on and on. There is one memory however, that as an adult brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.
Pawpaw had an old 65 Chevy truck. It was baby blue with white trim. I learned how to drive a standard on the column. In fact, I learned how to drive in that old truck driving on the gravel road between their house and ours. One summer, my cousins were down and we asked if we could paint Pawpaw's truck. What?! We were 8-10 years old. What were we thinking? He said "yes". What was he thinking?! He gave us a bucket of white paint and he told us where we could paint. And paint, we did! We tried to stay within the parameters he set for us, but hey, we were 8-10 years old! His reaction to our handiwork was priceless! He was so proud of what we had done that he showed it off to everyone that day! We were so proud that we had pleased our Pawpaw that we wanted everyone to see our "work".
That reminds me of our heavenly Father. I try to stay within the parameters that He has laid out for me, but I don't always make it. My grandparents instilled in me the importance of pleasing my Father and my Pawpaw showed me how much He delights in me by the way he found joy in me! To honor my Pawpaw's memory, I have restored his old truck. This time I had it professionally painted!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
God's ADHD Children
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.
Heb 12:1-2 (NLT)
When my son was a little boy, he was diagnosed as ADD. For those that have been under a rock for the past 20 years, ADD is Attention Deficit Disorder (without Hyperactivity). The classification for this diagnosis has changed two, maybe three, times in the past twenty years, but we will discuss ADD or ADHD in terms of how God must see His own children. The writer of Hebrews is talking to a bunch of spiritually ADD people(and us as well)! In 12:1-2 he says, "let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up." Every weight. Sin. Every weight. Sin. Things that hinder our relationship with our heavenly Father.
When I was fourteen, I gave my heart to Lord. I remember it was real, because I wanted others to have the same peace that I had been given. I even started taking my Bible to school with me and if you knew me back in those days, that was huge. I knew I had been rescued and I wanted others to experience what I had come to know to be real. I started reading my Bible every night and every day at school. I started going to the devotions that were held on school campus and even LED one. Huge! I mean HUGE for me.
I lived out in the country in a community called Fiske Union. It was a suburb of the parish seat, Oak Grove. When you live as far out in the country as I did, communities blended together much like a 3 year old's finger paint. It was a great place to grow up. The church I attended was in one of those blended communities called Beulah. It was in that little church that I came face to face with my need for a Savior.
One Saturday night in the Spring of my fourteenth year, I was invited to a party in Beulah community. Since I had been saved by Jesus, I was not on the popular list very much anymore. I had gone from very popular to "not so much" in seconds flat! So, when I got the invitation to go to the party, I went. Oh, I took my Bible! I sure did! And I left it sitting on the front seat of the truck. Now can you say "ADD moment"! I took my eyes off of Jesus and looked at what I was "missing". All my old friends were gonna be there and it was a senior party and I was a mere freshman. Can you sense the dilemma? I went telling myself the whole way there that I would not participate in ALL the party, but I could at least be sociable. And sociable, I was! When I left to go home, I barely even noticed my Bible, but by the time I made it home I realized just how far and quickly I had fallen back in the race!
You've heard it said that it takes years to build a reputation, but one act can tear it down. This is precisely what I did that night. I had been "sold out" to Jesus, until it started costing me something. My attention was firmly fixed on Jesus, until...It doesn't matter what draws your attention away from Jesus, the results are detrimental. If worry, dissatisfaction, prestige, etc. draws your attention away, they have a way of making you hyper-focus. This is another trait of ADHD. When you ruminate on the worries of the day, how can you focus on the faithfulness of God to provide for all your needs? If you are dissatisfied with your life and your circumstances, aren't you spitting in the face of God Almighty Who holds you in His hand? And if prestige and wealth have your attention, how can our God Who owns the cattle on a thousand hills bless you?
Yes, we are all ADHD when we look at it from a spiritual perspective. So, what do we do about it? How can we "medicate" our condition? I tell you, routine is the answer. I have seen first hand that routine can help someone with ADHD, but they were intrinsically motivated to change. That says that first, you must want to change the depth of your relationship with God. And second, just start DAILY spending time in His Word and praying. I suggest you pick a time and make it the same time everyday. Routine will lead you to a deeper relationship. How could someone spend time reading His Word and conversing with Him NOT fall deeply in love with Him?
One last word of caution.......
A rabbit!
Lori
Heb 12:1-2 (NLT)
When my son was a little boy, he was diagnosed as ADD. For those that have been under a rock for the past 20 years, ADD is Attention Deficit Disorder (without Hyperactivity). The classification for this diagnosis has changed two, maybe three, times in the past twenty years, but we will discuss ADD or ADHD in terms of how God must see His own children. The writer of Hebrews is talking to a bunch of spiritually ADD people(and us as well)! In 12:1-2 he says, "let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up." Every weight. Sin. Every weight. Sin. Things that hinder our relationship with our heavenly Father.
When I was fourteen, I gave my heart to Lord. I remember it was real, because I wanted others to have the same peace that I had been given. I even started taking my Bible to school with me and if you knew me back in those days, that was huge. I knew I had been rescued and I wanted others to experience what I had come to know to be real. I started reading my Bible every night and every day at school. I started going to the devotions that were held on school campus and even LED one. Huge! I mean HUGE for me.
I lived out in the country in a community called Fiske Union. It was a suburb of the parish seat, Oak Grove. When you live as far out in the country as I did, communities blended together much like a 3 year old's finger paint. It was a great place to grow up. The church I attended was in one of those blended communities called Beulah. It was in that little church that I came face to face with my need for a Savior.
One Saturday night in the Spring of my fourteenth year, I was invited to a party in Beulah community. Since I had been saved by Jesus, I was not on the popular list very much anymore. I had gone from very popular to "not so much" in seconds flat! So, when I got the invitation to go to the party, I went. Oh, I took my Bible! I sure did! And I left it sitting on the front seat of the truck. Now can you say "ADD moment"! I took my eyes off of Jesus and looked at what I was "missing". All my old friends were gonna be there and it was a senior party and I was a mere freshman. Can you sense the dilemma? I went telling myself the whole way there that I would not participate in ALL the party, but I could at least be sociable. And sociable, I was! When I left to go home, I barely even noticed my Bible, but by the time I made it home I realized just how far and quickly I had fallen back in the race!
You've heard it said that it takes years to build a reputation, but one act can tear it down. This is precisely what I did that night. I had been "sold out" to Jesus, until it started costing me something. My attention was firmly fixed on Jesus, until...It doesn't matter what draws your attention away from Jesus, the results are detrimental. If worry, dissatisfaction, prestige, etc. draws your attention away, they have a way of making you hyper-focus. This is another trait of ADHD. When you ruminate on the worries of the day, how can you focus on the faithfulness of God to provide for all your needs? If you are dissatisfied with your life and your circumstances, aren't you spitting in the face of God Almighty Who holds you in His hand? And if prestige and wealth have your attention, how can our God Who owns the cattle on a thousand hills bless you?
Yes, we are all ADHD when we look at it from a spiritual perspective. So, what do we do about it? How can we "medicate" our condition? I tell you, routine is the answer. I have seen first hand that routine can help someone with ADHD, but they were intrinsically motivated to change. That says that first, you must want to change the depth of your relationship with God. And second, just start DAILY spending time in His Word and praying. I suggest you pick a time and make it the same time everyday. Routine will lead you to a deeper relationship. How could someone spend time reading His Word and conversing with Him NOT fall deeply in love with Him?
One last word of caution.......
A rabbit!
Lori
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Bullies
1 Samuel 1:6 So Peninnah would taunt Hannah and make fun of her because the Lord had kept her from having children.7 Year after year it was the same—Peninnah would taunt Hannah as they went to the Tabernacle. Each time, Hannah would be reduced to tears and would not even eat.
1 Sam 1:6-7 (NLT)
When I was a young girl, I was not very "girlie". I prided myself in being as rough and tough as the boys in my class. In fact, I was rougher than most of them and the problem with that is that I knew I could outdo them. Power is a dangerous thing, even at the age of 8 or 9 years old. I recall one boy particularly smaller and weaker. As I think back on him now, I see a kind, sweet-spirited little boy who was taught to be polite and kind by his parents. When I was a child, I saw an easy target to unleash my wounded spirit.
Children, suffering from abuse by someone they are powerless to, will, in turn, spew venomous anger in the form of abuse on those weaker than themselves. This is a Polaroid snapshot of one facet of my life and a subject I am too well familiar. You've heard it said that kids can be cruel, well I was "that" cruel kid, that is until the subject of my wrath's Mother caught me.
My elementary school was in a VERY small community and had a Mom and Pop grocery store right next door to it. After school, all the children would ride the bus home, regardless of how far you lived from school! When there were after-school activities, we could walk across the dirt road to get a snack (if we had a note from our parents). I have such warm feelings when I think back to that little country store. The owners were a precious older couple and they knew who we were (and our parents and our parents' parents!). They had "tickets". It was a store credit for farmers, mostly, to buy fuel, lunch, etc. and the family could buy a few groceries. The Carroll's had the store back when I was in elementary school. They knew I was Clarence and Odies' granddaughter and so if I came in without money...I guess I felt like "somebody" when I said "put it on the ticket" and they didn't even have to ask my name! Those were the days.
One afternoon, several of us were hanging out in the front of the store waiting for everyone to finish up when I looked up and my "bullseye" is walking over from a house across the main road! There I was. I had just had myself puffed-up as someone privileged because I charged food to my parents' bill AND all my peers were there looking up to me. I began blocking his entrance to the store. There were enough kids between the two of us and the door that the owners couldn't see what I was doing, but his mother could! The thing is...I didn't know his mother could see what I was doing and I wasn't aware of her until she stood behind him. He was crying by the time his mom got to him, so the embarrassment for him was already huge. When his mom was finished with me, my face burned with embarrassment! She taught me a lesson that day, one that has stayed with me to this day.
I learned to respect my peers more. I empathized with this guy that day after his mother helped me see the error of my ways. That day shaped me to be an empathizer rather than an abuser. The school of thought that the abused become the abusers has some credibility, that is unless someone intervenes. I was fortunate that someone intervened very early in my life.
Our feelings of inferiority can be projected onto us by our peers. Just like Peninnah was a member of the "haves" and Hannah the "have-nots", we as singles can see ourselves like Hannah. Sometimes, we bring those feelings onto ourselves. We compare ourselves to the people around us that have fulfilling marriages. In the words of Paul Harvey "And now for the rest of the story", 1 Samuel 1:19 tells us that the Lord "remembered" Hannah. The Lord has not forgotten you either. If it is your heart's desire to have a fulfilling marriage, He will meet those needs for you. Stay strong in your faith and trust that God has your future firmly sealed.
Our God is just. He has a way of leveling the playing field for us, but it is in His time. Just as that mother came and answered the taunting I was dishing out, God will step into your circumstance and meet your deepest needs if you are asking in line with His will! The enemy of our souls will constantly try to bully you by reminding you of the things you do not have as a single person. Dear brothers and sisters, embrace your stage in life with the exuberance God deserves! Indulge yourselves in the presence of the Lord and you will find the peace that comes when God closes the mouth of your "bully"!
1 Sam 1:6-7 (NLT)
When I was a young girl, I was not very "girlie". I prided myself in being as rough and tough as the boys in my class. In fact, I was rougher than most of them and the problem with that is that I knew I could outdo them. Power is a dangerous thing, even at the age of 8 or 9 years old. I recall one boy particularly smaller and weaker. As I think back on him now, I see a kind, sweet-spirited little boy who was taught to be polite and kind by his parents. When I was a child, I saw an easy target to unleash my wounded spirit.
Children, suffering from abuse by someone they are powerless to, will, in turn, spew venomous anger in the form of abuse on those weaker than themselves. This is a Polaroid snapshot of one facet of my life and a subject I am too well familiar. You've heard it said that kids can be cruel, well I was "that" cruel kid, that is until the subject of my wrath's Mother caught me.
My elementary school was in a VERY small community and had a Mom and Pop grocery store right next door to it. After school, all the children would ride the bus home, regardless of how far you lived from school! When there were after-school activities, we could walk across the dirt road to get a snack (if we had a note from our parents). I have such warm feelings when I think back to that little country store. The owners were a precious older couple and they knew who we were (and our parents and our parents' parents!). They had "tickets". It was a store credit for farmers, mostly, to buy fuel, lunch, etc. and the family could buy a few groceries. The Carroll's had the store back when I was in elementary school. They knew I was Clarence and Odies' granddaughter and so if I came in without money...I guess I felt like "somebody" when I said "put it on the ticket" and they didn't even have to ask my name! Those were the days.
One afternoon, several of us were hanging out in the front of the store waiting for everyone to finish up when I looked up and my "bullseye" is walking over from a house across the main road! There I was. I had just had myself puffed-up as someone privileged because I charged food to my parents' bill AND all my peers were there looking up to me. I began blocking his entrance to the store. There were enough kids between the two of us and the door that the owners couldn't see what I was doing, but his mother could! The thing is...I didn't know his mother could see what I was doing and I wasn't aware of her until she stood behind him. He was crying by the time his mom got to him, so the embarrassment for him was already huge. When his mom was finished with me, my face burned with embarrassment! She taught me a lesson that day, one that has stayed with me to this day.
I learned to respect my peers more. I empathized with this guy that day after his mother helped me see the error of my ways. That day shaped me to be an empathizer rather than an abuser. The school of thought that the abused become the abusers has some credibility, that is unless someone intervenes. I was fortunate that someone intervened very early in my life.
Our feelings of inferiority can be projected onto us by our peers. Just like Peninnah was a member of the "haves" and Hannah the "have-nots", we as singles can see ourselves like Hannah. Sometimes, we bring those feelings onto ourselves. We compare ourselves to the people around us that have fulfilling marriages. In the words of Paul Harvey "And now for the rest of the story", 1 Samuel 1:19 tells us that the Lord "remembered" Hannah. The Lord has not forgotten you either. If it is your heart's desire to have a fulfilling marriage, He will meet those needs for you. Stay strong in your faith and trust that God has your future firmly sealed.
Our God is just. He has a way of leveling the playing field for us, but it is in His time. Just as that mother came and answered the taunting I was dishing out, God will step into your circumstance and meet your deepest needs if you are asking in line with His will! The enemy of our souls will constantly try to bully you by reminding you of the things you do not have as a single person. Dear brothers and sisters, embrace your stage in life with the exuberance God deserves! Indulge yourselves in the presence of the Lord and you will find the peace that comes when God closes the mouth of your "bully"!
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Silence
One of the most uncomfortable things is silence when you are in the presence of someone that you are in disagreement with. You know..."the silent treatment?" I think nothing fustrates me more than the silent treatment. Whenever I have been in an argument with someone (especially when it was my fault), I wanted the other person to fight back. Argue with me! Say something!!! I'm talking about insults being hurled through the air like frisbees in the park on a Saturday afternoon! Ah, but when I am seated in the righteous corner, silence is golden! If I am the one withholding comments (out of spite, of course), it is just as satisfying as a good ol' fashioned hissy fit! This is a subject that I have been, unfortunately, highly skilled in. However, praise be to the Lord Jesus, I have learned self-control, for the most part, and I can keep silent when it is appropriate and speak only when there is a need.
After the book of Malachi, we need to be aware that God was silent for some 400 years after he used Malachi to speak to His children, Israel. Their hearts were cold toward God and His love for them. The Intertestamental Period had no prophets or inspired writers. God was silent. God was not absent. He was silent. God was keenly aware of all the goings on during this time. He was silent. There are six eras during this time: The Persian Era (397-336 B.C. which overlaps with Malachi); The The Greek Era (336-323 B.C.); The Egyptian Era (323-198 B.C.); The Syrian Era (198-165 B.C.); The Maccabean Era (165-63 B.C.); and The Roman Era (63-4 B.C.). God broke His silence with the announcement of the birth of John the Baptist as prophesied by Isaiah!
Have you ever considered what is significant about the 400 years of silence?
Have you ever experienced divine silence? *
If we continue in sin after we have been convicted by the Holy Spirit and refuse to get in line with His Word, well, His "voice" calling out to your conscience will get quieter and quieter. His silence is not ALWAYS a result of sin, but if you know that sin is the reason for His silence, why would you not ask Him to remove it. Being in a right relationship with God versus the lure of sin and it's empty promise to be fulfilling is the age old battle. The spirit versus the flesh, to state it more simply. Being single, silence can become deafening, especially if we live alone. At times, God is the only voice we have in our solitude. So, silence from sin is not golden! Keeping ourselves in a right relationship with God will keep a line of communication with Him open. I do not like the silent treatment and neither does He!
Hayes, Jason. (2009). Blemished: how the study of Malachi confronts empty religion. Lifeway Publishing: Nashville, TN.
After the book of Malachi, we need to be aware that God was silent for some 400 years after he used Malachi to speak to His children, Israel. Their hearts were cold toward God and His love for them. The Intertestamental Period had no prophets or inspired writers. God was silent. God was not absent. He was silent. God was keenly aware of all the goings on during this time. He was silent. There are six eras during this time: The Persian Era (397-336 B.C. which overlaps with Malachi); The The Greek Era (336-323 B.C.); The Egyptian Era (323-198 B.C.); The Syrian Era (198-165 B.C.); The Maccabean Era (165-63 B.C.); and The Roman Era (63-4 B.C.). God broke His silence with the announcement of the birth of John the Baptist as prophesied by Isaiah!
Have you ever considered what is significant about the 400 years of silence?
Have you ever experienced divine silence? *
If we continue in sin after we have been convicted by the Holy Spirit and refuse to get in line with His Word, well, His "voice" calling out to your conscience will get quieter and quieter. His silence is not ALWAYS a result of sin, but if you know that sin is the reason for His silence, why would you not ask Him to remove it. Being in a right relationship with God versus the lure of sin and it's empty promise to be fulfilling is the age old battle. The spirit versus the flesh, to state it more simply. Being single, silence can become deafening, especially if we live alone. At times, God is the only voice we have in our solitude. So, silence from sin is not golden! Keeping ourselves in a right relationship with God will keep a line of communication with Him open. I do not like the silent treatment and neither does He!
Hayes, Jason. (2009). Blemished: how the study of Malachi confronts empty religion. Lifeway Publishing: Nashville, TN.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The Lying Heart
Jeremiah 17
9 The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
10 "I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."
The heart is considered the seat of emotions in our western culture. How many emotions can you list? Anger, fear, apathy, depression, love, happiness, etc. The list could go on for quite some length. Until you've personally dealt with the negative emotions on a gut wrenching level, you cannot judge how you would respond in any given situation and trying to do that, judge, makes you...well... judgmental.
The heart of the matter is what Jeremiah was trying to get us to understand. Jeremiah nailed it with his question, "Who can understand it?" As psychologists, we study emotions on so many different levels, but the One who understands the heart or emotions is the One we should turn to to get direction for our heart malfunctions. I am in no way minimizing the problems people face with emotional disturbances, but I do believe there is an answer.
Solomon in his wisdom gave us 78 references to the heart in the book of proverbs. All of which are a reference to the will, center of our appetites, and the mind. There is a slight variation in his use of the word heart in all the references, but essentially they are the same. He warns us to guard our hearts and trust in the Lord. It is easy to read the scriptures and know them by memory, but how often do we really trust the Lord with our emotions/heart. When you are angry, really angry, how honest are you with God? Do you cry out to the One Who already knows that you could bite nails in two? Or, when you are so depressed and all the light is gone and you do not even possess tunnel vision anymore...God already knows. So, the question we automatically ask is, "Why did God allow _______ to happen? (You fill in the blank.) Or, "Why doesn't God take away my ________? (You fill in the blank with your emotion.)
God does not have to answer for Himself, period. But God, being the God Who loves us and is just, does answer for Himself in His word. The ironic thing is that more often than not, our circumstances are the direct result of our own decisions or those around us making poor decisions. Proverbs is full of warnings and instruction and if we lived by them, we may find that our hearts would be at ease and our focus clearly in sync with God. True, when our circumstances are the direct result of someone else's choices, we look to God to "fix" the heart. The truth is God already fixed us through the Cross. God is the answer to mend a troubled heart.
Often, and definitely more often than not, our heart/emotional problems are rooted in sin. Sin is the new "four lettered" word. We want to be fixed. We want to feel good again. But, we do not want to deal with our part of the equation. Equation? Our sin + our circumstances = heart/emotional problems. Confession is a tool God provided us to deal with our emotional problems. Again, I want to emphasize that emotional problems are not simple fixes, but God can and will help you mend a troubled heart. Through Christ's redemptive work on the Cross, we can boldly approach the throne of Grace in confession of our sins.
Confession is a spring board to wellness. In James Penebaker's book Opening Up, he documents the physical benefits of expressing emotional pain in writing. In one study, he found that t-lympocytes (positive immunity cells)increased in the group that wrote from an emotional perspective about trauma they had experienced as opposed to two other groups that just wrote about facts void of emotion. Looking at this study from a spiritual perspective, one can surmise the benefits of confessing anger, depression, and general negative emotions associated with traumatic experiences. This is not to say that the traumatic event that may have occurred is in any way sinful on your part, but your reactions and behaviors following the event may result in sinful behavior (i.e. unresolved anger, substance abuse, promiscuity). These behaviors, left unchecked, will cause further emotional distress that will disrupt an otherwise joyful and productive life.
To conclude on the subject of sin and confession, confession truly is good for the soul/heart/emotions. An interesting side note on the word mind in verse 10, it means the seat of emotion and affection. God searches the heart and mind AND He understands it. Confessing to Him can and will begin the healing process. Simple? Yes. Easy? No. Who wants to admit fault to anyone? But, I encourage you to start the journey, journaling as you go.
Abba Father, I trust you with all that I am. As you search my heart, help me to openly confess to You the recesses of my dark heart. Amen.
Pennebaker, J. W. (1990). Opening up: the power of expressing emotions. New York: Guilford Press.
9 The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
10 "I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."
The heart is considered the seat of emotions in our western culture. How many emotions can you list? Anger, fear, apathy, depression, love, happiness, etc. The list could go on for quite some length. Until you've personally dealt with the negative emotions on a gut wrenching level, you cannot judge how you would respond in any given situation and trying to do that, judge, makes you...well... judgmental.
The heart of the matter is what Jeremiah was trying to get us to understand. Jeremiah nailed it with his question, "Who can understand it?" As psychologists, we study emotions on so many different levels, but the One who understands the heart or emotions is the One we should turn to to get direction for our heart malfunctions. I am in no way minimizing the problems people face with emotional disturbances, but I do believe there is an answer.
Solomon in his wisdom gave us 78 references to the heart in the book of proverbs. All of which are a reference to the will, center of our appetites, and the mind. There is a slight variation in his use of the word heart in all the references, but essentially they are the same. He warns us to guard our hearts and trust in the Lord. It is easy to read the scriptures and know them by memory, but how often do we really trust the Lord with our emotions/heart. When you are angry, really angry, how honest are you with God? Do you cry out to the One Who already knows that you could bite nails in two? Or, when you are so depressed and all the light is gone and you do not even possess tunnel vision anymore...God already knows. So, the question we automatically ask is, "Why did God allow _______ to happen? (You fill in the blank.) Or, "Why doesn't God take away my ________? (You fill in the blank with your emotion.)
God does not have to answer for Himself, period. But God, being the God Who loves us and is just, does answer for Himself in His word. The ironic thing is that more often than not, our circumstances are the direct result of our own decisions or those around us making poor decisions. Proverbs is full of warnings and instruction and if we lived by them, we may find that our hearts would be at ease and our focus clearly in sync with God. True, when our circumstances are the direct result of someone else's choices, we look to God to "fix" the heart. The truth is God already fixed us through the Cross. God is the answer to mend a troubled heart.
Often, and definitely more often than not, our heart/emotional problems are rooted in sin. Sin is the new "four lettered" word. We want to be fixed. We want to feel good again. But, we do not want to deal with our part of the equation. Equation? Our sin + our circumstances = heart/emotional problems. Confession is a tool God provided us to deal with our emotional problems. Again, I want to emphasize that emotional problems are not simple fixes, but God can and will help you mend a troubled heart. Through Christ's redemptive work on the Cross, we can boldly approach the throne of Grace in confession of our sins.
Confession is a spring board to wellness. In James Penebaker's book Opening Up, he documents the physical benefits of expressing emotional pain in writing. In one study, he found that t-lympocytes (positive immunity cells)increased in the group that wrote from an emotional perspective about trauma they had experienced as opposed to two other groups that just wrote about facts void of emotion. Looking at this study from a spiritual perspective, one can surmise the benefits of confessing anger, depression, and general negative emotions associated with traumatic experiences. This is not to say that the traumatic event that may have occurred is in any way sinful on your part, but your reactions and behaviors following the event may result in sinful behavior (i.e. unresolved anger, substance abuse, promiscuity). These behaviors, left unchecked, will cause further emotional distress that will disrupt an otherwise joyful and productive life.
To conclude on the subject of sin and confession, confession truly is good for the soul/heart/emotions. An interesting side note on the word mind in verse 10, it means the seat of emotion and affection. God searches the heart and mind AND He understands it. Confessing to Him can and will begin the healing process. Simple? Yes. Easy? No. Who wants to admit fault to anyone? But, I encourage you to start the journey, journaling as you go.
Abba Father, I trust you with all that I am. As you search my heart, help me to openly confess to You the recesses of my dark heart. Amen.
Pennebaker, J. W. (1990). Opening up: the power of expressing emotions. New York: Guilford Press.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Neatly Packaged Scripture
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. (Romans 8:26-27)
For those that have been brought up in church and learning Bible verses, we know all the "appropriate" verses to say in times of tragedy. The problem is that none of the verses feel adequate enough to sooth our hurting hearts. The anger that is deep within our hearts masks the good that God has stored there.
The ideas that come to mind are that God will not give you more than you can handle or that with Christ all things are possible. I KNOW these verses are true and I KNOW that God intended for them to get us through hard times, but when something happens that defies our understanding these verses come from rote memory and escape our hearts.
God, in His infinite wisdom, gave us His Holy Spirit. He knew there would be times that all we can do is groan out loud because of the pain in our heart. Recently I received news that left me crying out to God in only the way that the Holy Spirit could. The Holy Spirit is our Comforter-Counselor and God knows how much we need Him when we get "that phone call" or the news from the doctor we are not prepared to receive.
That name Comforter-Counselor is Paraclete in the Greek and is the word behind this name. It refers to an advocate. Someone who comes alongside to strengthen and fight on behalf of another. Today, I need the Holy Spirit Comforter Counselor. My prayer...
My Father, hear our hearts cry. Listen to the Holy Spirit as He intercedes on our behalf. We need the peace You promise us and the strength to get through this time of profound loss. Even now, words escape me. Please help us. In Jesus Name, Amen.
For those that have been brought up in church and learning Bible verses, we know all the "appropriate" verses to say in times of tragedy. The problem is that none of the verses feel adequate enough to sooth our hurting hearts. The anger that is deep within our hearts masks the good that God has stored there.
The ideas that come to mind are that God will not give you more than you can handle or that with Christ all things are possible. I KNOW these verses are true and I KNOW that God intended for them to get us through hard times, but when something happens that defies our understanding these verses come from rote memory and escape our hearts.
God, in His infinite wisdom, gave us His Holy Spirit. He knew there would be times that all we can do is groan out loud because of the pain in our heart. Recently I received news that left me crying out to God in only the way that the Holy Spirit could. The Holy Spirit is our Comforter-Counselor and God knows how much we need Him when we get "that phone call" or the news from the doctor we are not prepared to receive.
That name Comforter-Counselor is Paraclete in the Greek and is the word behind this name. It refers to an advocate. Someone who comes alongside to strengthen and fight on behalf of another. Today, I need the Holy Spirit Comforter Counselor. My prayer...
My Father, hear our hearts cry. Listen to the Holy Spirit as He intercedes on our behalf. We need the peace You promise us and the strength to get through this time of profound loss. Even now, words escape me. Please help us. In Jesus Name, Amen.
In Letting Go, We Embrace
In letting go, we embrace the memories of our precious Tracy Lynn.
In letting go, we embrace each other a little tighter.
In letting go, we embrace her sweet spirit and make it our own.
In letting go, we embrace the children she left behind.
In letting go, we embrace the good Tracy Lynn saw in this world.
As we embrace Tracy Lynn's memory, we can let go because we know Whose she is.
As we embrace each other, we can let go of the ties this world has on each of us.
As we embrace Tracy Lynn's sweet spirit, we can let go of our needs to hold on to this world.
As we embrace her children, we can let go of our agendas and make their world a little easier.
As we embrace the good Tracy saw in this world, we can let go of the hate we feel toward the one who took her from us.
We have one family with many members. Remember Tracy Lynn's love of all the members and love without boundaries!
In letting go, we embrace each other a little tighter.
In letting go, we embrace her sweet spirit and make it our own.
In letting go, we embrace the children she left behind.
In letting go, we embrace the good Tracy Lynn saw in this world.
As we embrace Tracy Lynn's memory, we can let go because we know Whose she is.
As we embrace each other, we can let go of the ties this world has on each of us.
As we embrace Tracy Lynn's sweet spirit, we can let go of our needs to hold on to this world.
As we embrace her children, we can let go of our agendas and make their world a little easier.
As we embrace the good Tracy saw in this world, we can let go of the hate we feel toward the one who took her from us.
We have one family with many members. Remember Tracy Lynn's love of all the members and love without boundaries!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Lost in Christ:
Proverbs 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are safe.
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." Maya Angelou
For the last few years, I have tried to state how I felt about possibly remarrying someday. Being single has been very rewarding for me because I am learning about myself; not only who I am, but Whose I am. Maya Angelou has nailed it! My heart is precious to God. He wants the very best for me. And, He wants the very best for all of us.
It is a woman's desire to feel protected and safe. If our hearts are hidden in Christ then that is the safest place to be. He is: my strong tower (Psalm 61:3, Proverbs 18:10,), a strong arm (Song of Solomon 8:6), and a strong fortress (Psalm 18:2, 31:2, 144:2). It will take a man strong in his faith to seek for a woman strong in the Lord. God's desire is for us to have the longings of our heart, and if our desires are rooted and grounded in God, then get ready, He will meet those desires according to His divine plan for your life.
It is in our impatience that we began to settle for less than His best for us. Whatever your station in life...single or single-again...if you will live Isaiah 40:31 and wait, just wait, He will give you gold instead of bronze, diamonds instead of crystal, and the best instead of good.
*Edited and transferred
the righteous run to it and are safe.
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." Maya Angelou
For the last few years, I have tried to state how I felt about possibly remarrying someday. Being single has been very rewarding for me because I am learning about myself; not only who I am, but Whose I am. Maya Angelou has nailed it! My heart is precious to God. He wants the very best for me. And, He wants the very best for all of us.
It is a woman's desire to feel protected and safe. If our hearts are hidden in Christ then that is the safest place to be. He is: my strong tower (Psalm 61:3, Proverbs 18:10,), a strong arm (Song of Solomon 8:6), and a strong fortress (Psalm 18:2, 31:2, 144:2). It will take a man strong in his faith to seek for a woman strong in the Lord. God's desire is for us to have the longings of our heart, and if our desires are rooted and grounded in God, then get ready, He will meet those desires according to His divine plan for your life.
It is in our impatience that we began to settle for less than His best for us. Whatever your station in life...single or single-again...if you will live Isaiah 40:31 and wait, just wait, He will give you gold instead of bronze, diamonds instead of crystal, and the best instead of good.
*Edited and transferred
Single Life and Family
Recently, I have had the joy of getting closer to one of my dad's brothers. He stops by fairly often and I always enjoy the visit, how ever brief it might be. This has me reflecting on my family. I have been blessed with two families that are close. As I think back on my childhood, I have very fond memories of my cousins, aunts, and uncles! Now that I'm older and all of my cousins have families of their own now, it is much more difficult for us to visit regularly. In fact, if we see each other one time a year, we are fortunate.
Being single with an empty nest is very lonely at times. The prospect of remaining single for some is not even an option and for others, it may be the only option. But, my advice to all the single folks out there is to "Carpe Diem!" Live life wide open! Reconnect with family! There will never be a better time than right now to rebuild those close ties to the ones who love you and know you.
Time investment in family will one day be the most important thing you have ever done. From an eternal point of view, your investment may be the difference between heaven and hell for someone. So live your life worthy of the calling of Christ and in the process show others what it really means to "Carpe Diem!"
Being single with an empty nest is very lonely at times. The prospect of remaining single for some is not even an option and for others, it may be the only option. But, my advice to all the single folks out there is to "Carpe Diem!" Live life wide open! Reconnect with family! There will never be a better time than right now to rebuild those close ties to the ones who love you and know you.
Time investment in family will one day be the most important thing you have ever done. From an eternal point of view, your investment may be the difference between heaven and hell for someone. So live your life worthy of the calling of Christ and in the process show others what it really means to "Carpe Diem!"
Psalm 143
Tug-of-war was one of my favorite school yard games as a child. I considered myself to have superhuman strength and apparently, for a girl, I was very strong. I was either the captain, or I was first pick. What was child's play has become a spiritual situation I have known all too well, just as David understood!
I thank God that He recorded David's life. In David's life, I am shown how real "life" problems and circumstances are not new to us, but more importantly they are not new to God. I have battled fear and depression as did David. As I read this Psalm, I recognized the beauty of David's language as he called out to his Lord for help while showing his humanness.
David understood from his heart that God was his source of help. It did not take away his depression, but he continually called out to God. He even lost hope. He said, "I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear" Psalm 143:4. If you have been paralyzed in your spirit, you know the deep despair you are left with to struggle against. Being paralyzed physically has taught me the struggle of imprisonment. I am in a prison of my body. I cannot break free of my physical limitations, but I thank God that my body is not "who" I am. The physical bondage has given me great insight into the very real emotional and spiritual bondage we face in our anger, depression, and hopelessness.
Let our prayer be that of David's, "8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go for to you I lift up my soul. 12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant." (Psalm 143:8, 12).
**Edited and transferred
I thank God that He recorded David's life. In David's life, I am shown how real "life" problems and circumstances are not new to us, but more importantly they are not new to God. I have battled fear and depression as did David. As I read this Psalm, I recognized the beauty of David's language as he called out to his Lord for help while showing his humanness.
David understood from his heart that God was his source of help. It did not take away his depression, but he continually called out to God. He even lost hope. He said, "I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear" Psalm 143:4. If you have been paralyzed in your spirit, you know the deep despair you are left with to struggle against. Being paralyzed physically has taught me the struggle of imprisonment. I am in a prison of my body. I cannot break free of my physical limitations, but I thank God that my body is not "who" I am. The physical bondage has given me great insight into the very real emotional and spiritual bondage we face in our anger, depression, and hopelessness.
Let our prayer be that of David's, "8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go for to you I lift up my soul. 12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant." (Psalm 143:8, 12).
**Edited and transferred
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Fine China or Cheap Ceramics
If I were having to describe myself in these terms, I'm definitely cheap ceramics. I had a ceramic shop once upon a time not long after I became a quadriplegic. I understand the process of taking "slip" (watered down clay) and turning it into a beautiful vase or eagle figurine by using preformed molds. It is a process. The shaped or molded clay must dry. The seams, ridges, and imperfections must be smoothed using sharp tools. The fragile figure could be easily damaged if placed in the wrong hands. I know this well. I delegated the "cleaning" of the different figures to others with steady hands. Being a quadriplegic, I do not have fine motor skills in my hands. I can paint. I can paint intricate details on faces of ceramics, but that is only after the clay figure has gone through the kiln.
The kiln is a special oven that reaches ridiculously high heat. It is the extreme heat (2200-2300 degrees) that causes the formed clay to harden to the bisque stage. Once the ceramics are "fired", they must not be taken out of the heat too soon or it can damage the integrity of the piece. You may be in the fire, but trust God to leave you there long enough to perfect your character to look like His. I know it is uncomfortable, but "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow" James 1:3. I know that I am healed, but for now, I'm still riding around in my wheelchair. God, in His wisdom, has not removed me from the fire...and so, my faith and endurance are growing.
The imperfections in His creation are not from God's mistake or His negligence, but rather from the dawn of man. Adam and Eve brought on the imperfection, but God in His mercy and love for us will not leave us that way. Because of the Cross, He places us back on the potter's wheel. As a result of the Cross, I am fine china.
The kiln is a special oven that reaches ridiculously high heat. It is the extreme heat (2200-2300 degrees) that causes the formed clay to harden to the bisque stage. Once the ceramics are "fired", they must not be taken out of the heat too soon or it can damage the integrity of the piece. You may be in the fire, but trust God to leave you there long enough to perfect your character to look like His. I know it is uncomfortable, but "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow" James 1:3. I know that I am healed, but for now, I'm still riding around in my wheelchair. God, in His wisdom, has not removed me from the fire...and so, my faith and endurance are growing.
The imperfections in His creation are not from God's mistake or His negligence, but rather from the dawn of man. Adam and Eve brought on the imperfection, but God in His mercy and love for us will not leave us that way. Because of the Cross, He places us back on the potter's wheel. As a result of the Cross, I am fine china.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Small Town
Recently, a friend of mine reminded me how vividly she remembers the day my family and I were in the wreck back in 1993. She is definitely someone I believe when she says she prayed for us. This reminded me about a lady I met this past November (2009). She knew me by name, because she prayed for us. This lady, who I had never met and quite honestly, don't know that I ever even heard of her, came right up to me and said, "Hello, my name is _______, and I was a member of your Aunt Brenda's choir when you all were in your wreck, and I have prayed for you and your family." WOW! Now that was awesome!
Being from a small town, like Oak Grove, LA, has it's advantages. I guess you would say from a worldly perspective, I was a fairly popular person in my little town and being married to a guy that played professional football only magnified the fact that many people knew us. When word spread that we had been in an automobile accident and I was paralyzed and not sure I was going to live, well...the Lord was busy fielding prayers out of Oak Grove! I'm sure every prayer chain in every denomination exploded into spontaneous prayer! How awesome is that?
I don't know how people make it that are from cities that have no support structure. I truly don't. I shudder to think of the homeless that have only what will fit into a small bag. (And just so you know, friends are few and far between for those of us in day to day society, never mind those who are on the street. They have and trust NO ONE). For whatever reason they have no family support. Man, I am so thankful for my family! I am blessed with two sides of family that are close and I know we matter to each other. When one hurts, we all hurt. Not so for the homeless or the one that has striven for anonymity and melted into a sea of faces in the large city!
Something that concerns me a bit about our society is that we strive for anonymity by hiding behind a computer screen. Sure there is Facebook* and Myspace* and social networks like that, but even they are pseudosocial clubs. It doesn't take much effort to post a few words here and there to old friends, but what about real tactile interaction? You know where you share a part of yourself with someone by giving up your time. We may as well be living in the crowded streets of a megalopolis when we recluse ourselves to a computer. Please understand, I am all about the social networks, because some really good things have come from them; but I don't want my interactions with people to be limited to that kind of relationship. There. I'm off my soapbox.
I have recently made a new friend and he is very relational. He is "good people". He lives the principle that people are more important than anything else in this world. He is a real friend and I have grown to love and trust him. Small town people have that quality almost built in. Thanks for being a real friend, Todd. The friend that reminded me about my small town, well she has been with me through some very dark places. No, we do not talk on a daily basis, nor weekly, nor monthly, but if she found out that something bad happened to me, she would be there to encourage me and pray with me.
Thanks Shea for reminding me to be that friend to those I grew up with in Oak Grove! I may have moved away, but I can still be the friend I should be. Thank you for your example! (And go Tigers! That's small town pride for those of you who do not "get it"!)
Being from a small town, like Oak Grove, LA, has it's advantages. I guess you would say from a worldly perspective, I was a fairly popular person in my little town and being married to a guy that played professional football only magnified the fact that many people knew us. When word spread that we had been in an automobile accident and I was paralyzed and not sure I was going to live, well...the Lord was busy fielding prayers out of Oak Grove! I'm sure every prayer chain in every denomination exploded into spontaneous prayer! How awesome is that?
I don't know how people make it that are from cities that have no support structure. I truly don't. I shudder to think of the homeless that have only what will fit into a small bag. (And just so you know, friends are few and far between for those of us in day to day society, never mind those who are on the street. They have and trust NO ONE). For whatever reason they have no family support. Man, I am so thankful for my family! I am blessed with two sides of family that are close and I know we matter to each other. When one hurts, we all hurt. Not so for the homeless or the one that has striven for anonymity and melted into a sea of faces in the large city!
Something that concerns me a bit about our society is that we strive for anonymity by hiding behind a computer screen. Sure there is Facebook* and Myspace* and social networks like that, but even they are pseudosocial clubs. It doesn't take much effort to post a few words here and there to old friends, but what about real tactile interaction? You know where you share a part of yourself with someone by giving up your time. We may as well be living in the crowded streets of a megalopolis when we recluse ourselves to a computer. Please understand, I am all about the social networks, because some really good things have come from them; but I don't want my interactions with people to be limited to that kind of relationship. There. I'm off my soapbox.
I have recently made a new friend and he is very relational. He is "good people". He lives the principle that people are more important than anything else in this world. He is a real friend and I have grown to love and trust him. Small town people have that quality almost built in. Thanks for being a real friend, Todd. The friend that reminded me about my small town, well she has been with me through some very dark places. No, we do not talk on a daily basis, nor weekly, nor monthly, but if she found out that something bad happened to me, she would be there to encourage me and pray with me.
Thanks Shea for reminding me to be that friend to those I grew up with in Oak Grove! I may have moved away, but I can still be the friend I should be. Thank you for your example! (And go Tigers! That's small town pride for those of you who do not "get it"!)
"Whatever It Takes Lord"
The road to April 8, 1993, actually started on Sunday March 14, 1993. My marriage was in trouble at the time and our definition of "fixing" our problems was to "get back into church." Isn't that just like us humans to think that we can "go" somewhere to fix a problem that does not exist in the natural realm. The only place we really need to go to is our knees and stay there until we "limp." I was guilty of it then and I'm guilty of it to this day. Maybe not as juvenile as I once was, but guilty nonetheless.
So, the story is, we started back to church! That's southern for attending church services. Either way you say it, it is sterile. No room for real growth in just going back to church. But wait! Don't let me lose you just yet! No, going back to church never "fixed" my marriage (we divorced ten years later), but it did plant a seed that began growing that very Sunday!
My pastor preached a sermon from John 21:15-17. Jesus asks Peter three times about his love for Him. The first two times, Jesus asks Peter if he agapao Him and Peter responded that he phileo Him. The third time Jesus asked Peter if he phileo Him and Peter responded that Jesus knew all things and that yes he phileo Him. Jesus knew the state of Peter's heart and he knows the state of ours. My pastor asked the congregation three times if we loved the Lord. By the third time, my pious self was wondering, too. He challenged us to pray everyday that God teach us how to truly love Him. We needed to desire to be taught how to love Him enough to say. "Whatever it takes Lord, teach me to truly love You."
Well, I mentioned before that we were commuting to Monroe from Oak Grove for school and work and that's when I read my Bible and prayed. I began that Sunday night asking God to teach me how to truly love Him. I prayed that everyday and I meant it. I said, "Whatever it takes!". God knew Peter's heart and He knows mine, too. My heart suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder! He knew what it would take to slow me down and get my focus. Some of us are a little more ADHD than others, but all of His children have it. If you are that child that is running to and fro without direction...well, let's just say...He will get your attention one way or another. He does that BECAUSE He loves us, not to punish us. I know that my life would never have been as fulfilling as it is had He not answered my prayer for help. He has taught me many, many things about His love for me and my ability to love Him. So, as it were, I am sitting in my "Whatever it takes."
So, the story is, we started back to church! That's southern for attending church services. Either way you say it, it is sterile. No room for real growth in just going back to church. But wait! Don't let me lose you just yet! No, going back to church never "fixed" my marriage (we divorced ten years later), but it did plant a seed that began growing that very Sunday!
My pastor preached a sermon from John 21:15-17. Jesus asks Peter three times about his love for Him. The first two times, Jesus asks Peter if he agapao Him and Peter responded that he phileo Him. The third time Jesus asked Peter if he phileo Him and Peter responded that Jesus knew all things and that yes he phileo Him. Jesus knew the state of Peter's heart and he knows the state of ours. My pastor asked the congregation three times if we loved the Lord. By the third time, my pious self was wondering, too. He challenged us to pray everyday that God teach us how to truly love Him. We needed to desire to be taught how to love Him enough to say. "Whatever it takes Lord, teach me to truly love You."
Well, I mentioned before that we were commuting to Monroe from Oak Grove for school and work and that's when I read my Bible and prayed. I began that Sunday night asking God to teach me how to truly love Him. I prayed that everyday and I meant it. I said, "Whatever it takes!". God knew Peter's heart and He knows mine, too. My heart suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder! He knew what it would take to slow me down and get my focus. Some of us are a little more ADHD than others, but all of His children have it. If you are that child that is running to and fro without direction...well, let's just say...He will get your attention one way or another. He does that BECAUSE He loves us, not to punish us. I know that my life would never have been as fulfilling as it is had He not answered my prayer for help. He has taught me many, many things about His love for me and my ability to love Him. So, as it were, I am sitting in my "Whatever it takes."
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Switch Was Flipped "On"
The next three or four days was riddled with fever, pain, family, friends, visitors, and a new way of life. Initially, the most disturbing problem was fever. When people see someone in a wheelchair, the most obvious observation is "They can't walk!", but that is really the least of the difficulties, I learned quickly. Bowel management, bladder management, and a host of other things the spinal cord regulates becomes the most urgent problems.
The next week I was treated for an infection because my temperature would not go down and since my temp wouldn't go down, they wouldn't move me to the rehab hospital attached to University hospital. I had the doctors reeling as to where the infection must be. After days of antibiotics and me burning up, we discovered my thermostat in the room was broken and the room temperature was staying up causing my temp to stay up. Apparently, the spinal cord regulates your body's temperature control and ability to sweat, so since the room was hot...so was I. I begged and pleaded to be moved and FINALLY, after blood, "sweat", and tears, they did! That was April the 8th.
April the 8th is not only my dad's birthday, but a birthday of sorts for me, as well. I was lying in the rehab hospital room moving nothing more than my eyes. I wasn't moving them much, because of a migraine, but I was thankful to be in the rehab so I could "start walking"! It had not totally set in just how severe the injury to my cord had been.
Over the course of that week, I received so many cards and letters with words of encouragement. By this time, my brother Kevin, had returned to Raleigh, NC and was sending his own cards and words of encouragement. He and his then fiance, Marsha (now his wife), sent me a card that God used to turn the "lights on" for me. The two scriptures that I experienced as flesh and blood that day were Isaiah 40:31 and Philippians 4:13. You know John 1:14 says that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. I believe that those two scriptures were just that tangible that day. Everything changed at 2:30 in the afternoon on April 8, 1993. Everything! You see, when I was 15 years old, I come to know who God was through Jesus Christ, but April 8, 1993, I come to KNOW Whose I was. There is a difference. I was healed that day from a severed spinal cord, sure, but more importantly, God became intimate to me. I knew Him. I became my Beloved's. I was secure for the first time in my life.
I was saved by grace when I was young, but had never really "walked" in the power of The Resurrected God. I received something that day that has never been too far from me since, and that is His power. Have I had my share of weaknesses? Oh yeah! Have I struggled with things I said I would NEVER struggle with again? Ah, yeah! But do I still have that same power available to me? Definitely! And I can say, that the prayers that were lifted up for me and my family during those so very dark days, illuminated a new way to live life...in the Light!
The next week I was treated for an infection because my temperature would not go down and since my temp wouldn't go down, they wouldn't move me to the rehab hospital attached to University hospital. I had the doctors reeling as to where the infection must be. After days of antibiotics and me burning up, we discovered my thermostat in the room was broken and the room temperature was staying up causing my temp to stay up. Apparently, the spinal cord regulates your body's temperature control and ability to sweat, so since the room was hot...so was I. I begged and pleaded to be moved and FINALLY, after blood, "sweat", and tears, they did! That was April the 8th.
April the 8th is not only my dad's birthday, but a birthday of sorts for me, as well. I was lying in the rehab hospital room moving nothing more than my eyes. I wasn't moving them much, because of a migraine, but I was thankful to be in the rehab so I could "start walking"! It had not totally set in just how severe the injury to my cord had been.
Over the course of that week, I received so many cards and letters with words of encouragement. By this time, my brother Kevin, had returned to Raleigh, NC and was sending his own cards and words of encouragement. He and his then fiance, Marsha (now his wife), sent me a card that God used to turn the "lights on" for me. The two scriptures that I experienced as flesh and blood that day were Isaiah 40:31 and Philippians 4:13. You know John 1:14 says that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. I believe that those two scriptures were just that tangible that day. Everything changed at 2:30 in the afternoon on April 8, 1993. Everything! You see, when I was 15 years old, I come to know who God was through Jesus Christ, but April 8, 1993, I come to KNOW Whose I was. There is a difference. I was healed that day from a severed spinal cord, sure, but more importantly, God became intimate to me. I knew Him. I became my Beloved's. I was secure for the first time in my life.
I was saved by grace when I was young, but had never really "walked" in the power of The Resurrected God. I received something that day that has never been too far from me since, and that is His power. Have I had my share of weaknesses? Oh yeah! Have I struggled with things I said I would NEVER struggle with again? Ah, yeah! But do I still have that same power available to me? Definitely! And I can say, that the prayers that were lifted up for me and my family during those so very dark days, illuminated a new way to live life...in the Light!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Chapter 4 Fully Aware
The ride to the hospital is sketchy for me, as I was in and out of consciousness, but I do remember Ches was in the ambulance with me. Looking back at the ride, it seems the ambulance was much larger. I vaguely remember Ches being there with me, except that the paramedic kept reassuring me that he was fine. I mentioned earlier that the roads on the way to Monroe were not all that great, right? Well, as we bumped along at high rates of speed, my oxygen mask kept slipping off of my face and everytime it did, I thought I was going to die. I obviously wasn't able to speak very loud, because I struggled getting the paramedic's attention to put the mask back on. Apparently, the fear I felt was conveyed through my eyes and the paramedic held the mask on for me. That was such a comfort.
When Ches and I made it to the hospital, my husband and Gabi had already arrived and so had many family members. We were spread out all over that emergency room. When they called in the neurosurgeon to look at my CT and MRI, he point blank said, "You need to go to University of Mississippi Hospital where you can get the best surgeon in this area for spinal injury." Well, who was I to argue? I mean, really, I was in no position to say, "I want a second opinion!" So....this meant I would be airlifted to Jackson and my children were left in Monroe.
The flight to Jackson was smooth as far as I can remember, but when we landed! Whew! Those doctor wannabes were all over me like ugly on a monkey! They were trying to "set" my dislocated elbow while I was awake and they were taking me straight to surgery! One sweet little nurse or resident, I honestly am not sure, said, "Can't you wait until she's in surgery to do that?" Bless you young lady (whoever you are!). And, yes, I could feel it. And, yes, that was a good thing.
When I awoke from surgery, the pain was so horrific. They were not giving me pain medicine, because they had not ruled out a brain injury at that point. I tried to tell them my brain was fine, but was about to short circuit without some relief from the pain. I had two children naturally. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but I don't think people are supposed to live through that kind of physical pain. It was really bad, but they stuck to their guns. Finally, after quite some time they gave me Tylenol 3 with codiene. They should rename that medicine to "itch in a pill!". Oh my word, my mother or whoever was handy stood over me and scratched my ever-loving itching NOSE!
Shortly after waking up from surgery, my mom and my brother, Kevin who lives in Raleigh, NC, came in for the fifteen minute visitation. Ok. Can I just say, in all seriousness, when I saw my brother, I thought I was dead or dying. I knew I must be in bad shape if my brother FLEW in to see me. That just didn't happen. I was crying and begging for some relief, but when I saw Kevin, I asked, "Am I dying?" Kevin had flown in from Raleigh, NC as soon as he was able. He was such a comfort and real source of strengh for my mom and me during that time.
The next few days following the surgery were flooded with medical complications, family, friends, therapists, you name it, I got it. The day that I remember being most cognizant, the head of neurosurgery at the hospital told me I would be paralyzed from my chest down for the rest of my life. Point blank, "You will be in a wheechair for the rest of your life." I don't think they offer "Tact 101" in medical school. But then again, how do you take the sting out of news like that? I guess you "remove" yourself from unplesant news like that when it is your job to deliver devastating information on a routine basis. Nonetheless, it was in the quiet of the nights with mom and other family members that stayed to help that tiny bits of reality began to creep into my awareness. I knew what they were saying. I had just enough medical training to know that a spinal cord injury is a really bad thing.
About the third or fourth night, I remember praying for my children and husband and thinking I would never be able to hold them again. Even now, as I recall that night tears fill my eyes and I can feel the desperation in my chest. I prayed and asked God to please let me at least move my arms so I could hug my babies. My right arm was in a cast from about mid-bicept to my hand and my left arm had just been lifeless. That very night, my nose was itching terribly bad and instintively my left arm went up in the air and fell across my face! God heard AND answered my prayer! I had no control over it, BUT IT MOVED!!!
I have often joked, that I should have prayed that God heal me totally since He was answering my prayers that night. Jesus said we just have to ask and our Father in heaven will give it to us. I am familiar with the verses that say if we ask...believing...in agreement...according to His will...He will grant us our petition! So why am I still rolling around? Why am I still paralyzed? Well, I don't have all the answers to all the hard questions, but I know Who does. March 30, 1993, God began a work in me. He has not completed what He started. I put my faith in the scripture in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know Paul was speaking to the brethren at Philippi and that He knew that their faith in Jesus was being perfected, but I know that the scripture is relavant to me today and I believe God began a good work that day in me. Those of you reading this have had tragedies that have stopped you dead in your tracks as well, but you may not see God's hand at work in those dark hours. Believe this...there are many of us who have suffered abuse, illness, and many atrocities and we cannot see the hand of God in our midst, but...He is there. He is in the middle of your world. You may not recognize Him because the situation is ugly and a loving God would NEVER allow such a bad thing to happen...but He does. I know that I have two choices to make. I can either reject Him because I am appalled at the circumstances or I can say, "OK, what is it that You want me to take away from this?" That is about as simple as I can make it to help you understand where I am coming from when I say He started a process that HORRIBLE day, but He has been in the process of shaping and molding me into the child He wants me to be.
The molding and shaping of our character is really what is happening when "life" comes our way with the speed of a jet airplane. I suppose, spiritually, we are more "prepared" at some times more than we are at others, but James 1:2-4 clearly tells us that it is a process. First the trial, then patience, then perfection, and ultimately lacking nothing. Have I arrived? Oh nooo! Am I close? Oh no, I really don't think so. But am I aware? Ahhh, yes. I am awake! I am fully aware of His presence in my life. And it is in Him that I can and have found PERFECT peace. And it is available to you to!
When Ches and I made it to the hospital, my husband and Gabi had already arrived and so had many family members. We were spread out all over that emergency room. When they called in the neurosurgeon to look at my CT and MRI, he point blank said, "You need to go to University of Mississippi Hospital where you can get the best surgeon in this area for spinal injury." Well, who was I to argue? I mean, really, I was in no position to say, "I want a second opinion!" So....this meant I would be airlifted to Jackson and my children were left in Monroe.
The flight to Jackson was smooth as far as I can remember, but when we landed! Whew! Those doctor wannabes were all over me like ugly on a monkey! They were trying to "set" my dislocated elbow while I was awake and they were taking me straight to surgery! One sweet little nurse or resident, I honestly am not sure, said, "Can't you wait until she's in surgery to do that?" Bless you young lady (whoever you are!). And, yes, I could feel it. And, yes, that was a good thing.
When I awoke from surgery, the pain was so horrific. They were not giving me pain medicine, because they had not ruled out a brain injury at that point. I tried to tell them my brain was fine, but was about to short circuit without some relief from the pain. I had two children naturally. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but I don't think people are supposed to live through that kind of physical pain. It was really bad, but they stuck to their guns. Finally, after quite some time they gave me Tylenol 3 with codiene. They should rename that medicine to "itch in a pill!". Oh my word, my mother or whoever was handy stood over me and scratched my ever-loving itching NOSE!
Shortly after waking up from surgery, my mom and my brother, Kevin who lives in Raleigh, NC, came in for the fifteen minute visitation. Ok. Can I just say, in all seriousness, when I saw my brother, I thought I was dead or dying. I knew I must be in bad shape if my brother FLEW in to see me. That just didn't happen. I was crying and begging for some relief, but when I saw Kevin, I asked, "Am I dying?" Kevin had flown in from Raleigh, NC as soon as he was able. He was such a comfort and real source of strengh for my mom and me during that time.
The next few days following the surgery were flooded with medical complications, family, friends, therapists, you name it, I got it. The day that I remember being most cognizant, the head of neurosurgery at the hospital told me I would be paralyzed from my chest down for the rest of my life. Point blank, "You will be in a wheechair for the rest of your life." I don't think they offer "Tact 101" in medical school. But then again, how do you take the sting out of news like that? I guess you "remove" yourself from unplesant news like that when it is your job to deliver devastating information on a routine basis. Nonetheless, it was in the quiet of the nights with mom and other family members that stayed to help that tiny bits of reality began to creep into my awareness. I knew what they were saying. I had just enough medical training to know that a spinal cord injury is a really bad thing.
About the third or fourth night, I remember praying for my children and husband and thinking I would never be able to hold them again. Even now, as I recall that night tears fill my eyes and I can feel the desperation in my chest. I prayed and asked God to please let me at least move my arms so I could hug my babies. My right arm was in a cast from about mid-bicept to my hand and my left arm had just been lifeless. That very night, my nose was itching terribly bad and instintively my left arm went up in the air and fell across my face! God heard AND answered my prayer! I had no control over it, BUT IT MOVED!!!
I have often joked, that I should have prayed that God heal me totally since He was answering my prayers that night. Jesus said we just have to ask and our Father in heaven will give it to us. I am familiar with the verses that say if we ask...believing...in agreement...according to His will...He will grant us our petition! So why am I still rolling around? Why am I still paralyzed? Well, I don't have all the answers to all the hard questions, but I know Who does. March 30, 1993, God began a work in me. He has not completed what He started. I put my faith in the scripture in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know Paul was speaking to the brethren at Philippi and that He knew that their faith in Jesus was being perfected, but I know that the scripture is relavant to me today and I believe God began a good work that day in me. Those of you reading this have had tragedies that have stopped you dead in your tracks as well, but you may not see God's hand at work in those dark hours. Believe this...there are many of us who have suffered abuse, illness, and many atrocities and we cannot see the hand of God in our midst, but...He is there. He is in the middle of your world. You may not recognize Him because the situation is ugly and a loving God would NEVER allow such a bad thing to happen...but He does. I know that I have two choices to make. I can either reject Him because I am appalled at the circumstances or I can say, "OK, what is it that You want me to take away from this?" That is about as simple as I can make it to help you understand where I am coming from when I say He started a process that HORRIBLE day, but He has been in the process of shaping and molding me into the child He wants me to be.
The molding and shaping of our character is really what is happening when "life" comes our way with the speed of a jet airplane. I suppose, spiritually, we are more "prepared" at some times more than we are at others, but James 1:2-4 clearly tells us that it is a process. First the trial, then patience, then perfection, and ultimately lacking nothing. Have I arrived? Oh nooo! Am I close? Oh no, I really don't think so. But am I aware? Ahhh, yes. I am awake! I am fully aware of His presence in my life. And it is in Him that I can and have found PERFECT peace. And it is available to you to!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Chapter 3 The Jaws of Life
Lying there limp and nearly lifeless, I was told that my four year old son, Ches, was out of the car walking around when the ambulance arrived. Thankfully, he sustained no physical injuries. Conversely, he saw EVERYTHING. He saw Gabi with blood streaming down her face and her tears as she was in terrific pain from a broken nose and femur. He heard all the moans and saw all the carnage. He suffered from that mental anguish. They call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Gabi, three, was in a body cast for two months, but she was quite tenacious as she learned to walk around in that full-body armor! How precious they were! And, how awesome they are now.
When the ambulance arrived, they realized that I had a neck injury and so did I. I mentioned that I was in clinicals in Radiologic Technology. Our wreck was on a,Tuesday, but on Monday i was working in the emergency room x-ray department. I had just rotated into this area not long before. On Monday morning, there had been a car accident in town and they brought the patient in to have a C-spine clearance. That's x-rays to make sure the c-collar can safely be removed and there are no neck injuries. On Monday, the patient was cleared...on Tuesday, I was the patient and I didn't clear.
I remember telling them not to move me and put a collar on me. I cannot describe the pain. It was so isolated to my neck. I didn't hurt anywhere else. I had a dislocated elbow and broken wrist, but the only pain I felt was in my neck. The closest anology I can give is to imagine being stabbed in the neck with a red-hot poker! Excruciating! The EMT and paramedics were so careful not to move me an inch without securing my neck, but we ran into a snag...my door was smashed shut from the front side. They had to extract me from the car. Can you say Jaws of Life?
Have you ever felt trapped? Either in a situation or in your heart and mind? Isaiah 61:1-3 tells us that Jesus came to set us free. In essence, Christ is your Jaws of Life. Being removed from that crushed vehicle was piercingly painful, I can assure you. If you feel that your life has crashed in around you and you feel no hope, Jesus Christ can pull you out of the wreckage. It will not be easy. It will not be painless, but it will be worth it!
When the ambulance arrived, they realized that I had a neck injury and so did I. I mentioned that I was in clinicals in Radiologic Technology. Our wreck was on a,Tuesday, but on Monday i was working in the emergency room x-ray department. I had just rotated into this area not long before. On Monday morning, there had been a car accident in town and they brought the patient in to have a C-spine clearance. That's x-rays to make sure the c-collar can safely be removed and there are no neck injuries. On Monday, the patient was cleared...on Tuesday, I was the patient and I didn't clear.
I remember telling them not to move me and put a collar on me. I cannot describe the pain. It was so isolated to my neck. I didn't hurt anywhere else. I had a dislocated elbow and broken wrist, but the only pain I felt was in my neck. The closest anology I can give is to imagine being stabbed in the neck with a red-hot poker! Excruciating! The EMT and paramedics were so careful not to move me an inch without securing my neck, but we ran into a snag...my door was smashed shut from the front side. They had to extract me from the car. Can you say Jaws of Life?
Have you ever felt trapped? Either in a situation or in your heart and mind? Isaiah 61:1-3 tells us that Jesus came to set us free. In essence, Christ is your Jaws of Life. Being removed from that crushed vehicle was piercingly painful, I can assure you. If you feel that your life has crashed in around you and you feel no hope, Jesus Christ can pull you out of the wreckage. It will not be easy. It will not be painless, but it will be worth it!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Chapter 2 My life Flashed Before My Eyes
In that moment, that very brief time in the car, as I lay still, I had no idea what I or my family was about to face and Who I was about to face. You know they say your life flashes right before your eyes as you narrowly escape death? Well, in hindsight, I think you reevaluate your life. I know for me, I've been given the blessing of viewing things as temporal.
Life is short, period, dot, end of thought. Why do we waste so much of our time and energy holding grudges and harboring hate in our hearts. The likelihood that you are one of those people with the dreamy childhood is far from what the rest of us experienced. I'd like to deal with this issue first, as it is the most difficult for me to disclose, but I feel it is definitely worth the effort.
Childhood for me is compartmentalized. I led a double life as a small child. In fact, my family led a double life. My father is an alcoholic. He was a practicing alcoholic until July of 1981, and he has been sober since. I had much to forgive him for and God made a way. I was abused for the most of my childhood, but God made a way for me to forgive my abuser. For those of you that grew up with a parent in addiction, abuse, or neglect, I want to assure you that forgiveness can and will come to you if you pray and ask God to give it to you. I am living proof!
The problem with childhood abuse is that it skews your perception of how things are supposed to be. Your friends and their families act much differently than how your family operates and instinctively you know, you KNOW, that something is wrong! When I said that I compartmentalized, I put all the "bad" things that occurred in a box in my mind and shoved it as far back in the recesses as I possibly could and only opened it when I had to deal with "bad" things. Praise be to God that He has taken that "box", opened it with me and has shown me the "pearls" that have developed as a result of the "bad" times as a child. God wants to reveal to you the tiny grains of sand that infiltrated your life; that became irritants and have left you scarred. Open that box and examine the irritant, the abuse, the neglect. God will walk through the process with you if you invite Him to show you how He can use that pearl for His glory.
I think we were able to separate the things happening to us so much so that when we were placed in public, we knew what to say and what not to say. Many of us carried that trait into adulthood. We only let people see that part of us that is "all put together". I say to you, if you are that person, fall on your face before God and trust Him to replace the pain and facade with healing and realness. That's what makes us pliable in His hands. We MUST become like putty in the Master Potter's hand.
So, you ask,"What does all this have to do with the wreck and paralysis?", well, remember I said that when I regained consciousness immediately after the crash and all I heard was the hissing of the engine? I know God protected me from hearing my children crying. He knew that I would not have been able to keep an ounce of sanity had I heard my babies crying. However, they were crying. I was in a rehab hospital for four months following the wreck and one night I awoke to hearing my babies screaming! I know that was God opening a little box in my mind where that had been stored until I could deal with it. At that point, my family was staying with me pretty much all day and night. I knew they were okay now, but God showed me that He spared me that mental anguish of hearing their screams and being helpless to comfort them.
It may be that God was protecting my mind when I was a child just as He did while I lay there in that car. I can't be sure, but what I am sure of is that He has helped me to see the good that has come from being a wounded child. "WHAT?!" I can hear the questions now. Yes, what Satan intended for harm, God has turned to good. And, He'll do it for you, too.
Life is short, period, dot, end of thought. Why do we waste so much of our time and energy holding grudges and harboring hate in our hearts. The likelihood that you are one of those people with the dreamy childhood is far from what the rest of us experienced. I'd like to deal with this issue first, as it is the most difficult for me to disclose, but I feel it is definitely worth the effort.
Childhood for me is compartmentalized. I led a double life as a small child. In fact, my family led a double life. My father is an alcoholic. He was a practicing alcoholic until July of 1981, and he has been sober since. I had much to forgive him for and God made a way. I was abused for the most of my childhood, but God made a way for me to forgive my abuser. For those of you that grew up with a parent in addiction, abuse, or neglect, I want to assure you that forgiveness can and will come to you if you pray and ask God to give it to you. I am living proof!
The problem with childhood abuse is that it skews your perception of how things are supposed to be. Your friends and their families act much differently than how your family operates and instinctively you know, you KNOW, that something is wrong! When I said that I compartmentalized, I put all the "bad" things that occurred in a box in my mind and shoved it as far back in the recesses as I possibly could and only opened it when I had to deal with "bad" things. Praise be to God that He has taken that "box", opened it with me and has shown me the "pearls" that have developed as a result of the "bad" times as a child. God wants to reveal to you the tiny grains of sand that infiltrated your life; that became irritants and have left you scarred. Open that box and examine the irritant, the abuse, the neglect. God will walk through the process with you if you invite Him to show you how He can use that pearl for His glory.
I think we were able to separate the things happening to us so much so that when we were placed in public, we knew what to say and what not to say. Many of us carried that trait into adulthood. We only let people see that part of us that is "all put together". I say to you, if you are that person, fall on your face before God and trust Him to replace the pain and facade with healing and realness. That's what makes us pliable in His hands. We MUST become like putty in the Master Potter's hand.
So, you ask,"What does all this have to do with the wreck and paralysis?", well, remember I said that when I regained consciousness immediately after the crash and all I heard was the hissing of the engine? I know God protected me from hearing my children crying. He knew that I would not have been able to keep an ounce of sanity had I heard my babies crying. However, they were crying. I was in a rehab hospital for four months following the wreck and one night I awoke to hearing my babies screaming! I know that was God opening a little box in my mind where that had been stored until I could deal with it. At that point, my family was staying with me pretty much all day and night. I knew they were okay now, but God showed me that He spared me that mental anguish of hearing their screams and being helpless to comfort them.
It may be that God was protecting my mind when I was a child just as He did while I lay there in that car. I can't be sure, but what I am sure of is that He has helped me to see the good that has come from being a wounded child. "WHAT?!" I can hear the questions now. Yes, what Satan intended for harm, God has turned to good. And, He'll do it for you, too.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Chapter 1 The Day My World Stopped Turning and Started Rolling
March 30, 1993 marks the day that my life turned on its ear. That morning as I was getting my day started, I ran a mile for the first time in months as I had been recovering from surgery and had been inactive. It was a cool damp morning, but the run was so invigorating that the elements were of no concern. My then husband, two children Ches 4 and Gabi 3), and I were living about an hours drive from his work, their part-time daycare, and my school. I was in my clinicals at Northeast Louisiana University for Radiologic Technology. I had just over a year before I graduated.
Typically, my cildren would stay with my mother while we were in Monroe for school and work, but my mother had a dentist appointment in Monroe, so the children were with me. We all left Oak Grove at the same time and when we reached a little intersection where you could turn or go straight and both routes took you to the same place; mom went one way and we went the other. The drive to Monroe from Oak Grove was all rural highways, and mostly substandard roads at that. On this partcular day there was an ever so slight mist in the air so the highways were damp, not saturated.
The kids were in the back seat of our small four-door car. I was in the passenger side studying. At my last glance at Ches and Gabi, they were buckled in and I had the automatic shoulder strap in place. At some point I remember my ex-husband making a sound. It was a deep, desperate sound that caught my immediate attention. I looked up in just enough time to see a white flash and try to turn to check on the kids. That's the last thing I remember as an able bodied, independent to a fault, twenty-four year old, young mother.
My next state of consciousness must have been only seconds later, because I heard a loud hissing noise. It was steam off the motors of the little white truck and our little black car that had just collided at a rate of about 55 miles per hour head on. I didn't hear my children crying (then), but I heard my husband moaning and laboring for breath. I think God must have somehow buffered my mind from everything going on around me, because I could not have helped anyone. I lay there, draped over that shoulder strap like a rag doll. The only things moving on me were my eyes and the rise and fall of my chest with shallow respirations. I was paralyzed.
That day marks the beginning of a road of discovery. I discovered just how vulnerable and fragile life is and how awesome and gracious God's power to overcome tragedies is. I'll be sharing God's power to overcome disabilities, mental anguish, abuse, divorce, drug addiction, and lonliness. So...stay tuned.
Typically, my cildren would stay with my mother while we were in Monroe for school and work, but my mother had a dentist appointment in Monroe, so the children were with me. We all left Oak Grove at the same time and when we reached a little intersection where you could turn or go straight and both routes took you to the same place; mom went one way and we went the other. The drive to Monroe from Oak Grove was all rural highways, and mostly substandard roads at that. On this partcular day there was an ever so slight mist in the air so the highways were damp, not saturated.
The kids were in the back seat of our small four-door car. I was in the passenger side studying. At my last glance at Ches and Gabi, they were buckled in and I had the automatic shoulder strap in place. At some point I remember my ex-husband making a sound. It was a deep, desperate sound that caught my immediate attention. I looked up in just enough time to see a white flash and try to turn to check on the kids. That's the last thing I remember as an able bodied, independent to a fault, twenty-four year old, young mother.
My next state of consciousness must have been only seconds later, because I heard a loud hissing noise. It was steam off the motors of the little white truck and our little black car that had just collided at a rate of about 55 miles per hour head on. I didn't hear my children crying (then), but I heard my husband moaning and laboring for breath. I think God must have somehow buffered my mind from everything going on around me, because I could not have helped anyone. I lay there, draped over that shoulder strap like a rag doll. The only things moving on me were my eyes and the rise and fall of my chest with shallow respirations. I was paralyzed.
That day marks the beginning of a road of discovery. I discovered just how vulnerable and fragile life is and how awesome and gracious God's power to overcome tragedies is. I'll be sharing God's power to overcome disabilities, mental anguish, abuse, divorce, drug addiction, and lonliness. So...stay tuned.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Taste the Rainbow
Ah, the rainbow! I remember as a child, my mom pointing out the sliding glass door toward the east saying, "Hurry and come see the rainbow!" My first impression was, "How do those colors get up there?" As an adult, I understand about the wavelenths of light and how ROY G BIV makes it "up there".
I wonder if Noah said, "How do those colors get up there?" No, as the Lord said to Noah, this is a promise to you that I will never flood the earth again (Genesis 9:13). Does God give a "sign" for EVERY promise He makes in the Bible or can we simply rely on His Word? Well, I know, I enjoy seeing rainbows, because it reminds me of God's covenant with Noah, but I feel an internal reassurance about all of His promises.
One promise that I hold to is that He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). This is comforting, especially for those of us that may have been left or forsaken by someone we loved. If you find that you are in this position, try to remind yourself regularly that the God of all creation will never leave you!
If you have never experienced the the salvation and presence of God, then I say to you...Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him (Psalm 34:8). The Lord is good. This is a promise! I say to you Taste the Rainbow!!!
I wonder if Noah said, "How do those colors get up there?" No, as the Lord said to Noah, this is a promise to you that I will never flood the earth again (Genesis 9:13). Does God give a "sign" for EVERY promise He makes in the Bible or can we simply rely on His Word? Well, I know, I enjoy seeing rainbows, because it reminds me of God's covenant with Noah, but I feel an internal reassurance about all of His promises.
One promise that I hold to is that He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). This is comforting, especially for those of us that may have been left or forsaken by someone we loved. If you find that you are in this position, try to remind yourself regularly that the God of all creation will never leave you!
If you have never experienced the the salvation and presence of God, then I say to you...Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him (Psalm 34:8). The Lord is good. This is a promise! I say to you Taste the Rainbow!!!
To Be Alone or Not To Be...Is that the Question?
In reading the creation account from Genesis, I noticed two things. One, that God created Eve because He said that it was not good that man should be alone (Genesis 2:18). This got me thinking about Paul. Paul stated in the New Testament that if you can remain single then that is best. He even refers to it as a gift (1 Cor 7:7). If this is so, why would God say that it was not good that man should be alone? Isn't God the same yesterday, today, and forever? Yes, He is. And God knew that it would take ALL kinds to make the world go around. He created male and female, not just for companionship, but for procreation. He told them to go forth and multiply! As a side note, He did not tell two women, or two men to go forth and multiply! When Noah was commanded to take the animals onto the ark, He said to take a pair--male and female-- to keep them alive during the flood. Obviously, God is clear on the whole issue of homosexuality. However, companionship can come to same sex relationships. Paul was a classic example of that with Barnabas and Timothy. He traveled in his ministry with other men, and so, I see that this is a healthy same sex relationship.
The other thing I noticed was that God told Eve that child birth would be hard as a result of eating from the tree of knowledge, but He also said that she would want to control her husband and so, she would be ruled by her husband (Genesis 3:16). From personal experience, I can say that this attribute manifested itself in me. I've always said it would take a strong willed man to "rule" over me. In my married life, I was the picture of an obstinate Eve. I have no problem honoring the male leadership in my church, but when it got personal, not so much. So from this, I have deduced that remaining single is a good thing for me. Not that I do not feel the need to be submissive to a man, but because I need to learn how to live single and be submissive to God Himself!
So the question we ultimately should ask ourselves, both male and female, is not whether we are to be alone in this world, but are we submissive? Man should be submissive to God, and his wife submissive to him. My experience has been that the men I married were not submissive to God and I was leary of being submissive to a man that wouldn't trust God. If fault needs to lie somewhere, it ultimately falls to me. First, I should have been aware of the submission princple prior to marriage. I did not choose a mate according to his relationship with God (mistake number one). Second, I should have been obedient to the Word of God and been under my husband, as I am the weaker vessel, regardless; and possibly my husband would have felt the respect he needed and got in line with God.
It all comes down to choices. Single/married or obedient/obstinate. Ultimately, it's all about submission. Whether you are married or single, are you submissive to the Lordship of Jesus Christ? That is the question.
The other thing I noticed was that God told Eve that child birth would be hard as a result of eating from the tree of knowledge, but He also said that she would want to control her husband and so, she would be ruled by her husband (Genesis 3:16). From personal experience, I can say that this attribute manifested itself in me. I've always said it would take a strong willed man to "rule" over me. In my married life, I was the picture of an obstinate Eve. I have no problem honoring the male leadership in my church, but when it got personal, not so much. So from this, I have deduced that remaining single is a good thing for me. Not that I do not feel the need to be submissive to a man, but because I need to learn how to live single and be submissive to God Himself!
So the question we ultimately should ask ourselves, both male and female, is not whether we are to be alone in this world, but are we submissive? Man should be submissive to God, and his wife submissive to him. My experience has been that the men I married were not submissive to God and I was leary of being submissive to a man that wouldn't trust God. If fault needs to lie somewhere, it ultimately falls to me. First, I should have been aware of the submission princple prior to marriage. I did not choose a mate according to his relationship with God (mistake number one). Second, I should have been obedient to the Word of God and been under my husband, as I am the weaker vessel, regardless; and possibly my husband would have felt the respect he needed and got in line with God.
It all comes down to choices. Single/married or obedient/obstinate. Ultimately, it's all about submission. Whether you are married or single, are you submissive to the Lordship of Jesus Christ? That is the question.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)