Chapter 4 Fully Aware

The ride to the hospital is sketchy for me, as I was in and out of consciousness, but I do remember Ches was in the ambulance with me. Looking back at the ride, it seems the ambulance was much larger. I vaguely remember Ches being there with me, except that the paramedic kept reassuring me that he was fine. I mentioned earlier that the roads on the way to Monroe were not all that great, right? Well, as we bumped along at high rates of speed, my oxygen mask kept slipping off of my face and everytime it did, I thought I was going to die. I obviously wasn't able to speak very loud, because I struggled getting the paramedic's attention to put the mask back on. Apparently, the fear I felt was conveyed through my eyes and the paramedic held the mask on for me. That was such a comfort.

When Ches and I made it to the hospital, my husband and Gabi had already arrived and so had many family members. We were spread out all over that emergency room. When they called in the neurosurgeon to look at my CT and MRI, he point blank said, "You need to go to University of Mississippi Hospital where you can get the best surgeon in this area for spinal injury." Well, who was I to argue? I mean, really, I was in no position to say, "I want a second opinion!" So....this meant I would be airlifted to Jackson and my children were left in Monroe.

The flight to Jackson was smooth as far as I can remember, but when we landed! Whew! Those doctor wannabes were all over me like ugly on a monkey! They were trying to "set" my dislocated elbow while I was awake and they were taking me straight to surgery! One sweet little nurse or resident, I honestly am not sure, said, "Can't you wait until she's in surgery to do that?" Bless you young lady (whoever you are!). And, yes, I could feel it. And, yes, that was a good thing.

When I awoke from surgery, the pain was so horrific. They were not giving me pain medicine, because they had not ruled out a brain injury at that point. I tried to tell them my brain was fine, but was about to short circuit without some relief from the pain. I had two children naturally. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but I don't think people are supposed to live through that kind of physical pain. It was really bad, but they stuck to their guns. Finally, after quite some time they gave me Tylenol 3 with codiene. They should rename that medicine to "itch in a pill!". Oh my word, my mother or whoever was handy stood over me and scratched my ever-loving itching NOSE!

Shortly after waking up from surgery, my mom and my brother, Kevin who lives in Raleigh, NC, came in for the fifteen minute visitation. Ok. Can I just say, in all seriousness, when I saw my brother, I thought I was dead or dying. I knew I must be in bad shape if my brother FLEW in to see me. That just didn't happen. I was crying and begging for some relief, but when I saw Kevin, I asked, "Am I dying?" Kevin had flown in from Raleigh, NC as soon as he was able. He was such a comfort and real source of strengh for my mom and me during that time.

The next few days following the surgery were flooded with medical complications, family, friends, therapists, you name it, I got it. The day that I remember being most cognizant, the head of neurosurgery at the hospital told me I would be paralyzed from my chest down for the rest of my life. Point blank, "You will be in a wheechair for the rest of your life." I don't think they offer "Tact 101" in medical school. But then again, how do you take the sting out of news like that? I guess you "remove" yourself from unplesant news like that when it is your job to deliver devastating information on a routine basis. Nonetheless, it was in the quiet of the nights with mom and other family members that stayed to help that tiny bits of reality began to creep into my awareness. I knew what they were saying. I had just enough medical training to know that a spinal cord injury is a really bad thing.

About the third or fourth night, I remember praying for my children and husband and thinking I would never be able to hold them again. Even now, as I recall that night tears fill my eyes and I can feel the desperation in my chest. I prayed and asked God to please let me at least move my arms so I could hug my babies. My right arm was in a cast from about mid-bicept to my hand and my left arm had just been lifeless. That very night, my nose was itching terribly bad and instintively my left arm went up in the air and fell across my face! God heard AND answered my prayer! I had no control over it, BUT IT MOVED!!!

I have often joked, that I should have prayed that God heal me totally since He was answering my prayers that night. Jesus said we just have to ask and our Father in heaven will give it to us. I am familiar with the verses that say if we ask...believing...in agreement...according to His will...He will grant us our petition! So why am I still rolling around? Why am I still paralyzed? Well, I don't have all the answers to all the hard questions, but I know Who does. March 30, 1993, God began a work in me. He has not completed what He started. I put my faith in the scripture in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know Paul was speaking to the brethren at Philippi and that He knew that their faith in Jesus was being perfected, but I know that the scripture is relavant to me today and I believe God began a good work that day in me. Those of you reading this have had tragedies that have stopped you dead in your tracks as well, but you may not see God's hand at work in those dark hours. Believe this...there are many of us who have suffered abuse, illness, and many atrocities and we cannot see the hand of God in our midst, but...He is there. He is in the middle of your world. You may not recognize Him because the situation is ugly and a loving God would NEVER allow such a bad thing to happen...but He does. I know that I have two choices to make. I can either reject Him because I am appalled at the circumstances or I can say, "OK, what is it that You want me to take away from this?" That is about as simple as I can make it to help you understand where I am coming from when I say He started a process that HORRIBLE day, but He has been in the process of shaping and molding me into the child He wants me to be.

The molding and shaping of our character is really what is happening when "life" comes our way with the speed of a jet airplane. I suppose, spiritually, we are more "prepared" at some times more than we are at others, but James 1:2-4 clearly tells us that it is a process. First the trial, then patience, then perfection, and ultimately lacking nothing. Have I arrived? Oh nooo! Am I close? Oh no, I really don't think so. But am I aware? Ahhh, yes. I am awake! I am fully aware of His presence in my life. And it is in Him that I can and have found PERFECT peace. And it is available to you to!